So I have never really found a productive use for my breasts in my twenty-something years. They are just appendages that really get in the way more than anything. EVERY girl who has been to the gym or plays sports knows what I’m talking about.
Anyone who has found it difficult sleeping on their front can sympathize.Yes boys, its hard to sleep on them! From underwires that dig into you, pre-menstrual mastitis and an accidental elbow shoved into your breast as you walk past (hey, they do poke out and get in the way-its understandable-but no less painful) What are breasts good for????????
Why do women all over the world insist on increasing their size, and men of all creeds lust after them? Here I have compiled a list of ways that breasts can contribute to the betterment of yourselves, AND society.
1. The Indian Pocket
If you live in Nairoberry, you know your handbag is not a safe place to keep all your mula. Guys have socks. And extra pockets hidden in coats, shirts, even boxers! Girls have handbags, and the ‘Indian Pocket’ (My mum’s codename for the bra) Have you ever hear a robber say : ‘Empty you’re bra or I’ll stab you!!!???’ No? Well, there you go.
Just realized I may be giving future would-be robbers fodder for their machinations of evil. Hmmm. In that case: ‘I DO NOT KEEP MONEY OR MY MOBILE ANYWHERE OTHER THAN MY HANDBAG!!!’
2. The Accomplice
Now say you want to rob a bank. Ok, just bear with me. INCASE you ever want to rob a bank; Breasts make wonderful, well, accomplices.
See a guy robbing a bank would need a couple of other guys to be the look-outs. He would also need someone to distract the guards while the others steal into the bank with concealed weapons. He might need a few pals he doesn’t like that much to act as decoys-the ones who will take the bullets if shit hits the fan.
As a girl, you need none of these extra people with whom you might have to split your booty (hehe, not THAT booty. FOCUS people)
Your Girls (by Girls, I mean breasts of course) can be all of the above. All you need is a wonderbra, a cleavage enhancing top, and the monaaaaay is as good as yours.
The Girls can distract the guard as you walk into the bank armed to the hilt. In fact they can also be a hiding place for a well concealed weapon. Your Girls can also distract the teller from sounding the alarm too early on. You don’t need decoys to take any bullets because -well who would shoot such a HOT bank robber? I mean who would want to damage such magnificent specimens – The Girls will keep you safe.
With a little bit of imagination, The Girls can even help you drive the getaway car.
And the beauty of it all, you wouldn’t have to share any of the money. All The Girls would ask for as payment of services rendered, would be a nice bra or two. Lots of money AND pretty bras? Win-Win.
3. The Extra Body Part
Have you ever needed to hold open a door but all your hands are full? Have you ever needed to anchor the towering stack of books you are carrying (in my case it was plates) to something, so that they would not fall? Ever needed an extra body part? Well. We have two.
4. The Best Friends you always wanted
So there is a HOT co-worker you have been crushing on for ages. BFF no.1 would subtly bring you up in the conversation every time they can. BFF no.2 would randomly drop hints about where you’re all having drinks Friday night.
The Girls would ensure the man is yours before he knows whats hit him. The Girls will knock him off his feet. And then you can tie him up and drag him to your cave for you to have your way with him. (YAY feminism!-I have always wanted to use the cave man analogy)
No secret messages or subvert ploys necessary. Just a good bra. A few well-timed ‘let-me-bend-over-to-get-that-pencil’ And maybe a ‘let-me-just-brush-past-you-to-get-that-stapler’ You could also throw in: ‘oops-I-just-spilled-something-on-my-sheer-white-shirt’ But that might be a bit slutty. Just saying. *shrug*
The Girls can be the engineers of your future relationships. Wife or mistress. Girlfriend or one night stand. It’s all totally up to how you work The Girls.
5. The Nurturers
The givers of life. We must not forget how the nectar of milk springs forth from the bosom to provide life-giving nourishment to our offspring.
It’s no. 5 because well, I’m not a mother. And the idea of milk coming out of there, and someone EATING from there still kind of grosses me out.
6. The Alternative Career Choice
No matter how ugly you are, if you have a great pair of knockers, you can have a few other career options waiting for you.
If you go bankrupt, if you get bored with your day job, if you want to earn a few extra bucks to buy that hot pair of stilettos. I’m just saying. There are options out there. (I am not however advocating for the use of The Girls in illegal dealings. Prostitution, oldest profession or not, is illegal in many countries yo)
7. The Pillows
Ever fallen asleep on a woman’s bosom? We all have. From our mothers, to our girlfriends or wives. There is no softer pillow on earth. Nuff said.
8. The Perfect Accessory
For those with an A cup – I’m sorry. But sometimes, nothing accentuates your killer outfit more than a perky pair of C’s. Or D’s. Or Double D’s. Lol.
Yes, sometimes its good to have a physical reminder of the proverbial coming of age. Pedophiles and perverts are many.
10. For the reader to fill in
Yes, I ran out of ideas. Lol.
- The 6 Rules of Cleavage (lifescript.com)
- Do Men Care About Big Boobs? And Other Questions About Men (beyondjane.com)