Beautiful

Sarah Jessica Parker at the 2009 Tribeca Film ...

If this lady can feel sexy at 47 and with THAT nose? Ey ey, we all can! 😛

When did our self worth become so tied up with Hollywood dreams?

I have two gorgeous, beautiful friends. They keep telling me how they feel fat, flabby, ugly and unworthy.

They are anything but.

How do confident, young, gorgeous, professional women get reduced to pinching the fat on their tummies, and counting spots?

One of them wants a chemical peel.

The other is on a weight loss regime which makes her feel guilty for every calorie that passes down her starved gullet.

Smh.

Look, I am no Pocahontas either.

However, somehow, I have always just accepted my body as is. Imperfect as it is. I have just …accepted it.

My thicke thighs – accepted.

My cellulite – accepted.

My flabby arms – love em.

My spots – meh.

As I have grown, I have even grown to not only accept every aspect of my body ..but also to actually find a way to LOVE it!

My flabby arms? They jiggle, and they are great 🙂 I honestly love them. They remind me of someone who once loved them too.

My thicke thighs and chunky legs that I thought were unattractive – someone else convinced me they were SEXY. And now, I believe it too.

My spots – they are like freckles. Just part of my skin. Part of me.

Its just that…our bodies are what they are. Allah made us so.

Instead of trying to fit into an ideal Made In Holywood, try to wear your own skin.

…………

Well…..

…..that’s how I felt about 3 months ago.

Now, after spending all this time with my neurotic fat-hating friends…I have started obsessing too!

I am basically writing this post to remind me that I actually DID like myself as me.

Because I have lately started dreaming of long, glossy, hollywood hair. Weaves I know, yes. But the dreams continue 😦

I have begun taking close-ups of the dark circles under my eyes and inwardly agonising that I am beginning to grow old :/

Sigh.

Women.

What a bag of contradictions ey?

Well.

I needed to write this post to remind us all. That sometimes the Holywood brainwashing does a good job at making us feel lousy about ourselves.

All that airbrushing, make up artists, and weaves.

None of it is real.

But it sure does look pretty….

*Deep Sigh*

Now everyone. Let’s do this together.

Repeat after me.

I. Am. Beautiful. Just. As. I . Am.

Once more!

I. AM. BEAUTIFUL. JUST. AS. I. AM!

One more time for those at the back!

IAMBEAUTIFULJUSTASIAM!!!!!!!!

😀

Have a Beautiful weekend my lovelies 🙂

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Sad Posts

I hate it when my poetry goes all dark.

I’m not sad.

Not really.

I have yellow daffodils.

And a miniature pink hippo.

Also, lots of strawberries.

😉

Life is good Alhamdulillah

Beautiful People

Beautiful.

Inside and out.

An Angel.

Allah made you so.

 

Would that I could

Be even a little like you.

You held my hand.

When no one else could.

You wiped away my tears.

When no one else would.

 

Would that I could.

Show you.

How much that meant to me.

 

I could never,

Ever,

Ever.

Thank you enough.

إدعيلي‎

Muslim Man Seeking Wife

I never knew how difficult it was for muslim men to actually find a wife.

Until my cousin started looking 😉

Its not that simple.

When we are on the other side (the girl side) we sit there, hands folded, saying: ‘Where are all the good muslim men at??’

Unbeknownst to us, the men are doing the same thing!

They are complaining to their mothers and sisters and aunties, that it is difficult to find a good muslim girl to marry. Really.

Trust me.

This whole new modern age has thrown us for a loop.

Long gone is the age of aunties and grandmas recommending beautiful girls, and successful boys and making perfect matches.

Nowadays, people travel to study all across the globe. Girls are working in America, London, Australia. Equally perfectly eligible boys are trapped in an office in Dubai, Boston, Dallas.

We have lost the old fashioned ways of traditional arranged marriages.

So what replaces it?

That is the big question.

Do we date?

Do we meet guys on Facebook?

Do we join online Muslim dating sites and put up our ‘Bio Data?’ (said with the perfunctory Indian head nod. Lol)

Do we ask our sisters and aunties to look around for us and recommend someone appropriate?

And then what happens when you DO get a recommendation? What then??????

What are the rules of engagement?

Does he come and propose straight away?

Or can we chat for a bit on Skype and whatsapp?

Should I tell my mum immediately someone is interested in marrying me? What happens if it doesn’t work out?

Complicated I tell you.

Having been through the system myself….I can tell you. Its complicated.

I can only say:

Be open. Be honest. Pray to Allah.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

Allah wants us to pray to him.

Ask him, and he will answer.

My aunty told me a story of a guy who used to pray to Allah for a wife. He initially started by saying Allah, please let her be the one who is Kheir (good) for me. But also, he added a list of specifications. Green eyes, long hair, nice in character, religious..etc etc. He had an incredibly detailed list of specifics. However which each specification, he kept praying that above all, and most important may she be kheir for him.

When his family recommended a girl for him, and he met and married her, he was amazed. It was as though a girl was actually made to his exact specifications especially for him. She had all the features he had asked for and more. And Allah put between them a great love.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

Pray to Allah.

Also ask him to bring you closer to the person who is good for you. Kheir for you.

And secondly, be open minded.

He isn’t tall and muscular? Don’t dismiss him off the bat. Be open to considering him. Maybe he has other features you will love?

He doesn’t have the best job in the world (you wanted a Neurosurgeon like McDreamy in Greys)…well, just give him a chance. Maybe once you two are together, Allah will open doors you did not expect,and he will end up being richer and more respected than a Neurosurgeon.

Sometimes, I wish I could start a real system connecting people.

I know so many gorgeous, perfectly lovely men wanting to get married.

And so many gorgeous, perfectly lovely girls also wanting to settle down.

Now all I need to do is dust of my matchmaking skills and get to work ;p

I am accepting applications. Lol.

Also, I am still waiting for my Prince Charming, with hazel eyes and a 6 pack …;) But OVERALL, may he be kheir for me 😉 hehe.

xx

The Modern Muslim Husband

Islam

So nowadays people seem to have such a modern take on relationships.

A good friend of mine just told me about how he definitely wants a wife to contribute to the running of the house and their lives.

Well that in and of itself is not a bad thing.

But the fact that he listed that as a requirement and was adamant that it was a necessity and a requirement of her. I had to protest.

Islamically, the roles in marriage are set out very clearly.

The man is the provider. It is his Wajib (compulsory) responsibility to provide for his wife and children.

The wive’s Wajib responsibility is to take care of the home, her husband and her children.

If the two decide, amongst each other, to help the other out, and blur the clear roles…that is due to the Iman and love that Allah has put between them.

Okay let me make myself more clear.

A husband is required to take care of his wife completely. Even if she works, whatever money she makes is hers and hers alone. She has no obligation to pay electricity bills or buy a fridge or even milk and bread.

IF she decides she wants to help her husband and her children and work as a team, that is entirely up to her. And she will do that out of Iman and love.

In the same vein, the husbands role is to provide. Not to look after the children and change diapers. IF however he decides to help feed the baby because his wife was up all night with the child, then that is from his Iman and love.

The clear roles are defined so that there is no miscommunication. No ill feelings. No resentment.

If one decides to go above and beyond those roles, it is looked on favourably by the other spouse and acknowledged as the him/her having made an extra effort.

For example, if I work and with my money, I pay the bills, and the mortgage. I want my husband to acknowledge that I am helping him. And that I am a good wife, doing this out of love.

In the same vein, if he does the laundry and the dishes and feeds the baby, I will be grateful, and acknowledge that he is a wonderful husband.

I will not thank him every single day he goes to work to provide for his family, in the same way he will not have to thank me each time I change a nappy and for having given birth to our child. It is our respective duties and what is expected.

I don’t know if I am being clear enough.

I want an Islamic Marriage. With all its trappings.

I want a husband like Rasulullah (S.A.W) who would help out around the house and darn his own clothes.

I want to be a wife like bibi Khadija (R.A) who was independent and worked, and initially supported her husband when it was necessary.

People may call that modern? I call it an Islamic Marriage.

I will not bend to todays popular version of what is acceptable or a la mode or fashionable in a marriage.

Today, it is feminist rights, and being exactly EQUAL to a man.

Tomorrow, women may be screaming its actually their right to be taken care of by the man when they are pregnant and not HAVE to work or contribute.

Popular opinion, and societies view of what is popular and acceptable in relationships will change. It changes all the time.

This whole feminist approach is tres new. A few decades ago, it wasn’t there. And a few decades later, it may be scrapped and people may start a hue and cry about something else.

Just because it is popular, doesn’t mean its The Definitive Truth and what I have to want/follow.

Islam is timeless.

Regardless of what is a la mode.

So for now, I choose an Islamic Marriage.

Please lets stop getting caught up with what we see in movies, and what we are brainwashed to believe relationships and marriages are about.

Unless you want multiple affairs, mistresses, divorces within days (a la Kim Kardashian)….then you can go ahead and follow your latest ROMCOM movie for relationship advice.

Otherwise,  I would recommend you choose for yourself which kind of relationship you want.

And go back to Islamic principles.

May Allah give me, and all others the right kind of partner, ambaye ana kheri na mimi (who is Kheir for me)

xx

GUEST POST: Pregnancy And Islam

Is not Allah sufficient for his servant? - II

Bearing a child and becoming a mother, is highly regarded in Islam. We sometimes do not realise how much so.

Pregnancy Hadiths:

When a woman is pregnant with a child, all the angels will make Istighfar (repentance) on her behalf. Allah SWT will, for each day of her pregnancy, write for her 1000 good deeds and erase from her 1000 bad deeds.

When a pregnant woman starts to feel the pain from contractions, Allah (SWT) will write in her records as someone who is doing jihad (Spiritual or physical struggle) in His path.

When a woman becomes pregnant by her husband and he is pleased with her, she obtains the reward of a person engaging in fasting for Allah (SWT) and a person spending the night in Ibaadah (worship).

A woman from the time of pregnancy until childbirth and weaning the baby, is like the Mujahid (someone fighting in the path of Allah SWT) who is stationed on the frontiers of the Islamic land. If she dies during this period, she dies the death of a Shahid (martyr).

Two raka’at salaat performed by a pregnant woman is better than 80 raka’at salaat performed by a non-pregnant woman..

A woman who is pregnant gets the reward of fasting during the day and of doing ibaadah (worship) during the nights.

A woman who gives birth gets the reward of 70 years of salaat (prayer) and fasting. For each vein that feels pain, Allah SWT gives her the reward of one accepted hajj (Pilgrimage to Makkah).

If the woman dies within 40 days of giving birth, she will die as a shahid (matyr).

(Hadith)…….”A woman that dies in her virginity or during her pregnancy or at the time of birth or thereafter (in nifaas) will attain the rank of a martyr”

Nabi(SAW) is reported to have also said “When her labour pains commence, the inhabitants of the earth and the sky are unaware of the stores of comfort that are prepared for her. When she delivers and breast feeds her child, then she will be granted a reword for every gulp of milk, if she had to remain awake during the night for the sake of the child, she will receive the reword of emancipating seventy slaves in the path of Allah Ta’ala. O Salaamat! Do you know who these women are? They are pious, upright, with a delicate nature yet obedient to their husbands and not ungrateful to them” [Source: Madrasa In’aamiyyah]

By – Hilwa Khadija

Having More Than One Wife In Islam

Symbol of Islam, the name of Allah, simplified...

So I have just had a discussion with some of my friends.

And they raised an issue that is often the heated topic of choice in many ‘girl talk’ sessions.

Should a man be allowed to have more than one wife. Islamically.

If you were a woman, whose husband wanted a second wife, would you agree?

What would you say? What would you think?

Islamically, what is the ruling on this.

A hot topic, yes?

It is also one of the favourite topics Non-Muslims use to highlight the supposed ‘neathanderal’ attitudes of Islamic culture.

In any case, here are the some of the issues we talked about. (Using a fictional discussion amongst fictional characters of course 😉 )

Three girls sat around the kitchen table having coffee, and a much needed catch up session. The topic of Polygamy in Islam comes up.

Aisha: I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE  A SECOND WIFE. Never. Ever. Ever. I would die before I let that happen. I would leave him. I would not stand for it. Ever.

Hajra: Well, aren’t you Muslim though?

Aisha: Well Of course I am.

Hajra: In that case, in Surat Nisa it says:

“… marry women of your choice, two, three, or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…(Surah al-Nisa, 3).

Hence it is allowed! How can you call yourself a Muslim, if you don’t agree with what is in the Quran? You cannot pick and choose what you like in Islam.

Aisha: Weeell. I still wouldn’t be able to handle it. Honestly and truly. I just couldn’t do it. Allow my husband to sleep with another wife? Allow her to live with us for example? Allow him to look after her children as well. I know myself. I would not be able to.

Rabiyah: Okay. Well, none of you have mentioned the criteria. The requirements. In the ayah it says that a man should be able to treat all of his wives equally. And only IF he can do this, is when he is allowed to marry more than one wife. Men are human. There is no way they can treat all the wives equally. Allah knows this. Which is why he put the requirement in place. To dissuade men from going around and marrying wives left right and centre.

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A man who has two wives and he does not deal justly with them will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with half his body paralysed.” (Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1141)

If he buys butter in one household, then he must buy butter in the other household. Not margarine. If one wife has a car, then the other should have one as well. The number of nights should be shared equally with the wives. The wifely duties should be distributed equally.

If a man can truly do this, then and only then is he allowed to marry more than one wife. If he is not financially capable of maintaining all the wives in an an equal manner, or not emotionally able to be fair between them, then he should stay with just the one wife.

ALSO, there are reasons. There should, ideally, be specific reasons for a man to go out and marry a second wife.

If she is ill.

If she is unable to bear children.

If she cannot meet his sexual needs because of illness.

Genuine. Real. Reasons.

Not randomly, because he has seen a ‘hot  piece of ass’ and feels like he can go ahead and enjoy life by having more than one woman.

Aisha: Even with all the reasons you have listed. I would still not be able to handle it! Because after all, he has promised to be with me through thick and thin. Just because I am ill, he decides he wants another wife? And throws me to the curb? I just would not be able to tolerate it. At all!

Hajra: Well, even you, as a woman, you have similar rights. If your husband is impotent, or he has an illness and can not look after you, you are allowed Islamically to ask for a divorce and get another husband. But if you choose to have subra, and stay and work things out and look after your husband, your reward of course will be from Allah. And that may be better for you. The same goes for a man.  Yes he is allowed a second wife if his first wife is ill or cannot meet her wifely duties. However, if he chooses to have subra and stay with his one wife, Inshallah that may be better for him.

Rabeya: I think, I think, and I may be wrong. But, men are created differently compared to women. They may have a stronger sexual drive. And perhaps weakness when it comes to women. So Allah has created this caveat. This ‘clause’ so to speak. To allow for this ‘weakness’. Would you rather your man went out and cheated on you with a hundred women, as they do in the Western world? Or would you rather he made the young girl respectable? Married her and looked after her.

A lot of women don’t mind the extra help. It means company. There are two of you. You work together to look after the household and your husband and your children. I know saying that is controversial. And a lot of people may label me ..I don’t know…ignorant or oppressed or brainwashed for having such ideas. But Polygamy is not a new concept. It has been practiced in many cultures across the world for centuries, and still is! It has been devilised by the Western world. Yet look at their society; Divorce, affairs, mistresses. Well, at least a higher rate of. Because even in Muslim societies those things exist.

And also, its not to say there will be no difficulties. There will be jealousy. Potential strife. Disagreements.

However, that doesn’t mean it can’t work. Or you should dismiss it because it does not fall in line with your ‘feminist’ views of the world.

Aisha: I am not being feminist as you say. I am just saying what would or would not work for me. I am an individual at the end of the day. And what works for one individual may not work for another. Some women may be happy with that kind of situation. I must say, I am not one of those. And I have clearly stated to my husband; If he marries another wife, I will leave him.

Rabeya: Subhanallah. But I do see your point about you being an individual. Fair enough.

Hajrah: Yes, I see your point. And besides its easier said than done. Saying : ‘A man can marry more than one wife’ in theory, is all well and good. But when it is YOUR husband, it is a different matter all together. And the subra, and strength, and Iman it takes, is not a small thing. And I truly believe for the women who manage to accept this, and live with their husbands and co-wives well, their reward is with Allah and He recognises and sees the sacrifice they have made.

Aisha: In any case. Allah knows best.

Hajra: Yes, all we can do is pray that we are doing the right thing. And leave the rest to Allah.

Aisha: Yeah. But I would kill him. If he did that. I really would.

*All Laugh*

Rabeya: Staghfirullah!

*More peals of laughter*

My views and that of my friends may be flawed. But it is from the little knowledge we have, from the little we have gleaned from our parents relationships, our friends marriages and what we have seen around us. Insha’allah, may Allah guide us all towards the righteous path. And keep us from Naar and protect us all. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, or add to the discussion. I welcome any new knowledge, Hadiths, Ayahs.

🙂

Smooches!

The Modern Muslim

Londonistan: How Britain is Creating a Terror ...

You may think a lot of Muslims are ‘modern’ nowadays.

You may assume that a lot of us chill in bars and discos and smoke or drink.

Perhaps we have girlfriends and boyfriends and ‘life partners’

This may be partially true, however there is a strong undercurrent of a different kind of new age Muslim.

Who has information at his fingertips.

Quraan downloaded on his ipod, podcasts of his favourite Sheikh’s lectures, and online lectures at an Islamic University.

Educated.

Young.

and Muslim.

The Modern Muslim, is an empowered Muslim.

Marriage Scares the Pants Off Me

The Stepford Wives

Image by Wendelboe via Flickr

I don’t know if I want to get married.

Yes, yes, I know, Blasphemy!

Lol. Before you all get out the lynching squad. Read this post on diasporadical.wordpress.com The lady raises some insteresting points, not all of which I agree with.

Anyway, let me explain myself.

I always go into a decision/venture in life having weighed pros and cons. So I plan to do the same with marriage. Advantages and disadvantages.

Why don’t we start with the disadvantages of getting married? Let us delve right into the thick of things. The things that scare the pants off me:

1. Lifelong servitude

Yes, you heard me. I will have another human being (with other little human beings on the way) to cook for, to clean for, to look after. Sweaty socks to pick up, dirty underwear to laundry, a toilet seat perpetually up. Sigh.

2. Demands on my time and emotions.

After a day when I am bone weary, and tired to the tips of my soul, I have to come home and put on a happy face, smile, and play the role of dutiful wife. Listen to his concerns, make him feel cared for, happy and understood. Husband=Bonsai tree. Needs tender loving care, attention and time. As a single gal, I balk at the thought of having to give up all of my spare time to another individual (s)! Spare time which until now, has been utilized in spa days, days at the salon, having long baths, filing my nails, exfoliatiating..and other such rewarding endeavours. LOL. Yes, I’m a wee bit selfish me reckons. BUT, I’m also just human. And who says I won’t get a self sufficient husband? A CACTUS? Who needs to be watered just a few times a year! And maybe one who also doesn’t mind my spa days? Who might infact collude with me in creating the ultimate Spa day – His and Hers massages? Heeeheee. A girl can dream.

3. My Lord and Master?

Having to listen to someone elses opinion on how I cut my hair, what clothes I wear, what time I eat/sleep, which friends to have, what to say and what NOT to say? HOW to say what to say?!!! Geee! Because apparently, once you are someones wife, you are an extension of that person. And what you do, reflects on them. So by default they get a say on how you act,eat,sleep….etc, you get my drift.

Sigh.

This I find the hardest.

You see, as a muslim, I am obligated to listen to my husband. BUT what if said husband has ridiculous demands? What if he is trying to erode my self worth? Trying to change me into his version of a stepford wife? His mother even?!!!

I don’t want to be one of those dull eyed women I see staring out of a window of an unmarked house as I walk past. Their husbands have eroded every last drop of individuality, creativity, spark, and sexiness from them. All thats left is a shell of the person she once was, she is now just a baby spurting, butt cleaning machine!

We have all seen it. ALL OF US. And we all look away politely, and smile.

And do not be fooled into thinking those women were weak. Hell NAWWWW. Nor did they get to that stage without a fight. They did not walk meekly to mousy housewife’s door without causing a ruckus. They tried to fight, tooth and claw, and tried to hold on to the essence of who they are with all their might. But some of them, just lost. Because it was an unfair fight. One that was fixed even before the game started.

Dirty tactics:

a) Family = Guilt.

*What will your mother/friends/sister in law/extended family sayyyyy if you just walk out? If you fight? Your mother will just tell you to have subra (patientce) Your father will tell you to suck it up. Your cousins will insist you HAVE a good man. So many girls wish they were so lucky, what with good men so hard to find!*

b) Fincancial emancipation = None. 

*Said husband will have covinced you not to go back to work. Or not to study. With honey sweet promises of looking after you forever. He will then proceed to hold the purse strings so tight, allowing you a very short leash with which to move about. He will further continue to pummel your self-esteem, so that you start to believe that you COULDN’T work anyways, who would hire you? You could not have continued your studies-you aren’t that clever. If that fails, he will sabotage. Sabotage any attempts at going to work/making a living/studying. Try to get you pregnant, use guilt, use his mother as an ally. Anything.*

c) Allies=None

*He will make you get rid of your friends. One by one. Especially the supportive ones. The ones who encourage you to do better, to feel great, to look great. The ones who knew you when you were happy, and creative, and funny. The ones who keep asking you what you are doing chained to this loser who is draining away your happiness. He will say they are a ‘bad influence’ And one by one, they will fall away like autumn leaves. So that eventually, you will have no one you can turn to that isn’t on HIS side*

d) Mental subjugation=Gaslighting

Imagine. This actually happens. And I know a husband who actually used this on his wife. I could not be MORE appaled. He is a cunning bastard. And I know he probably read about it and decided to see if it works. For months, he continually psychologically damaged his wife. By making her think she was crazy. He would tell her something. And later when she mentioned it, he would tell her she was imagining it. With a very concerned look. He would say he was worried about her. He did it over and over, until she actually started to think she was going crazy. When she talked to me about it and I saw the fear in her eyes, I WAS SO MAD! That he could damage his wife so nonchalantly, just tore my heart up. And yes, she is STILL married to that idiot! Sigh.

Read up on it people. Click on the link. Its real. And highly disturbing.

Anyways, my point was…emm…what was it? Yes, having to answer to my ‘Lord and Master’, just does not seem appealing to me. I know you may think I’m having a Western perspective on this issue, wanting my husband to be my PARTNER. But, its not entirely Western. As a Muslim husband, you are meant to discuss things with your wife. Not order her about like a slave. Your wife is allowed to have financial freedom (bibi Khadijah R.A) She is allowed to pursue knowledge and even a career (bibi Aisha R.A)

May Allah give us all husbands who follow in the footsteps of RasulullAllah (S.A.W)

4. Career Sabotage

Children+career=not a good move. Always. You have to take time off work. I have heard of people working upto their due dates, and then going back to work a day or two after. It’s not unheard of. BUT mothers who do go back to work early/immediately after giving birth tend to be plagued with guilt.Most of them anyways. The rest are robots.

I would prefer to be a stay-at-home mum once I have children. That’s why I think having children is the equivalent of taking my career out back and stabbing it in the jugular. Inshallah when I do have children, I would hope my career is at a place where I can put things on hold for a few years . But you see, sperm sometimes manages to evade even the most effective birth control. Especially Spartan Sperm. You know one nasty bugger will swim past your coil saying ‘Laterzzzz Mother****er!!’, while another one will orchestrate a planned attack on your diaphram; Maybe enough of them pushing in one direction can loosen the diaphrams grip on your cervix, and hey presto!, the promised land. LOL. The pill? Ofcourse there will be the sperm who is on steroids or E, or Speed, basically so chemically messed up already, the pill trying to stop it is like pissing in the wind. He swims right by, while flexing his abnormally large, veined biceps 🙂

What was my point? Oh yeah, Unplanned pregnancy. It happens. Career goes down the drain.

5. Second wives/Chips Funga

Why, oh why put myself up for eventual disappointment? Cheating from a boyfriend, maybe I can survive. But the father of my children? The man I gave up my smokin bod’ for in lieu of stretch marks and a fat arse? The man whose children I nursed until I got cracked nipples and mastitis?? Hell Nawwwww. You bring another wife or a side dish on the scene and I am out! I am not wasting another 20 years hoping you will change. Hoping that the next tasty morsel you sample will be your last. Until you bring me a disease, or death (God forbid!) Seriously. Men cheat. Very few don’t. And if yours IS staying faithful, be proud, be happy, but be vigilant. No having hot friends over for sexy sleepovers, no allowing girl mates, or work do’s that don’t include you. That brings me to my next point…

6. Working so hard to keep him

Why is it that I have to work hard to keep a man? What happened to all the energy the man invested in chasing me, and making me accept that ring on my finger? Now, he can sit on his arse, fart all day, scratch his balls, while I run around juggling 100 things in the air? Its like a mans work is done after he gets married. The womans work now starts for the rest of her life. I have to make sure I keep myself beautiful, interesting AND thin (even after birthing his 6 children!!). He on the other hand, can get a pot belly, and as long as he brings food on the table, his work is done. Eh? What happened to the romance? The gifts? The kind words and the sweet nothings? Now that you have me you think kazi kwisha? ALA??!!!

7. Losing ME

I have a problem. I disappear into the people that I love. I watched a movie about this once- ‘Runaway Bride’ And I thought: OMG that is SOOO exactly ME!!! When I care for someone, I just slowly morph into that person. I like what he likes, I think like he thinks. I wear that other person so compeletly, like a new set of clothes. And then eventually, I can’t tell where he began, and where I end. I can’t tell who I am, who I used to be even! And neither can he. So eventually, we both realize that the person he fell in love with in the first place has disappeared.

I do this with my friends too.

Nowadays, I’m so terrified of being absorbed into other people, that I keep to myself a lot. I choose my friends VERY, VERY carefully. If I’m going to turn into my friends, I must pick friends that I wouldn’t MIND turning into.

Now with marriage then? 40/50 years later? Will I look like a fat , balding man scratching my ass??!! LOL!

7. Children

I am SO scared of having children. I feel like I’m not sure of who I am yet. And yet I’m supposed to impart knowledge, and life skills to other individuals?? Bring them up to be sane, emotionally sound, caring and religious? Geeez!! I’m not sure I’M all those things! I am terminally afraid of bringing children into this world just so that I can **** them up.

8. That’s All folks

You know the drill, this one is for you. Add your own fears. Tell me what you think…

Now, after all that doom and gloom, Lets have a look at the advantages of getting married.

1. Lifelong partnership

Waking up with someone day in day out. Knowing that this person is here for you FOREVER. Having that stability. Knowing that someone LOVES you enough to spend the rest of their life with you. That they will take you for everything that you are. Good mood, crabby mood, happy, sad, rich or poor. Fat and pregnant, or slim and carefree. They will love you and stick by you through it all.

2. Sex on demand (if you are religious like me, marriage kind of equals sex. Because without that divine go ahead, these knees are staying closed :))

3. Children (again, only if you are religious)

I want babies! (Despite what I said before! LOL. And despite my post on UGLY BABIES! hehe)

4. Social Acceptance

In certain cultures (like MINE), you are incomplete without a man on your arm. He doesn’t have to be arm candy, he doesn’t even have to be financially stable. Once the clock starts ticking, and your sell by date starts approaching fast, your mothers and aunties will desperately send you off with the highest (or any) bidder.

4. ummm, I’m slowly running out of advantages.

I’m sure there are more, and I really would sit here and scracth my head and come up with a few more. But I have to get to work in the next 20 minutes.

So all the readers out there, this is your homework. Please, please, please, for the sake of marriages everywhere, come up with a few more reasons to get married. The advantages MUST outweigh the disadvantages, lest I be forced to live my life out as an old bitter spinster.

Its all in your hands…hehe!

Kisses!

Diligent joy

Eat, Pray, Love

A must read!

I love love love the book ‘Pray, Eat , Love’ by Elizabeth Gilbert. FYI the movie was crap. Don’t watch it. Read the book if you haven’t; Its life changing.

Anyhow, I got the idea of Diligent joy from this book. Its an amazing concept that I just can’t get enough of. See, people universally think that happiness is a stroke of luck. Something that may descend upon them magically. But that’s not how it works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You must strive for it, fight for it, insist upon it, even travel to a different country searching for it. Whatever it takes. You  must actively cultivate happiness, and once you have it, become diligent in maintaining it.

Its easy to be an inert passenger in the journey of your life. You hate your work-‘Ah well’. You’re not happy in your marriage-‘Oh, it was not meant to be’. You feel unfulfilled in life- ‘Allah Karim’.

In a way, its a cultural disease. Lol. I heard a comedian once joke that Muslims are the only people on earth who could get hit by a bus and  on the same day, get struck by lightening, lose all their money, and then get mauled by a runaway bear. And at the end of it all-send up a prayer of thanks – Alhamdulillah.

This is a beautiful thing. And it is a sign of a strong and devout Muslim.

However, this should not translate into accepting suffering needlessly. Accepting unhappiness as though it is a normal state of affairs.

And so, if we find ourselves in a state of unfulfillment, instead of accepting it as our lot from God, Allah would love to hear us pray. Pray AND actively extract ourselves from those sticky, gummy, unhappy emotions with all our effort. God helps those who help themselves.

Diligent joy.

Actively seeking, hoping, praying and working towards contentment.

This may seem like a selfish act. Should I really spend that much time praying and working towards my own happiness? What about the many child soldiers, beggars, orphans. Should I not pray for them? Shouldn’t I be grateful- I may be unhappy, but I am still blessed compared to many other suffering souls.

Granted, that is a fairly good argument. But, the search for contentment is not just a self-preserving and self-benefiting act, but also a great gift to the world. Yes, you heard me. You being happy, makes the world happy.

Think of all the times you have been upset, or moody, or unhappy. How many times did you pass that bad vibe forward? How many times did you react grumpily to your co-worker, snap at your husband, honk at the idiot in the next car? Imagine all that negative energy out there in the world spouting from your black mood. Getting passed on from one person to the next person.

An unhappy, unhealthy cell, makes for an unhappy, unhealthy body. In the same way, an unhappy individual is an obstacle to the happiness of so many other individuals in the world!

I know I sound hippy-esque and new-age modern crazy. But its such a beautiful concept. It just makes sense.

Now go forth, and be happy.

🙂

xx

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