How To Sell Yourself

Bangladeshi wedding at Dhaka

Have you ever thought how much you are worth?

If you had to lay out your best attributes and features one by one.

How much do you think you would be worth?

Not monetary wise – but your worth.

Your value.

Would you be a catch?

If so, what makes you think you ARE a catch?

Are you:

Educated?

Beautiful?

Slim?

Polite?

Humble?

Giving?

Adventurous?

Religious?

Family oriented?

What positive attributes do you think garner more value?

Hmm.

I was thinking about the past.

And how a certain ex, could have been considered by many as a very appealing or, if you will, worthy package.

However, it meant naught to me.

It was like having a massive, juicy burger in your hands.

Yet, you are craving a pizza.

No matter how nice that burger is. You just don’t feel like it.

You want a pizza!

But one persons pizza….is another persons burger.

LOL!

I am beginning to talk in circles and metaphors – eek!

Hehe.

My point is… (yes, there was a point after all. Honest! ;-))…. we all have somebody out there for us.

Because our exact packaging, though not so weighty to some – may be incredibly valuable to others.

So ‘Excellent cook, listener, calm and quiet ‘ could be exactly what someone is looking for.

Whilst ‘ Noisy, adventurous, humorous and loves to travel’ could be somebody else’s dream husband.

Don’t sell yourself short.

You are worthy.

It’s all about a good sales pitch! 😉

Low Self Esteem and Men Who Don’t Care

Men are intrinsically little boys.

Really they are.

What you heard about them on ‘Maury’ and ‘Oprah’ and all those day time talk shows. Its all true.

Fundamentally, they want to be told what to do, and what not to do.

And they need. NEED. Someone to lay the boundaries for them, and MAKE them stick to it.

Okay not all guys.

That would be generalising.

Which is not what we do here 😉 right?

So SOME guys. ..like to be-little their significant others.

Its a trend.

Its a thing.

A thing I have noticed again and again.

So much so that I had to write about it!

I have had enough of advising my girlfriends on this annoying species of Man (read cockroach) that I felt it necessary to make sure the rest of you aren’t enduring the same kind of cockroach.

Now this kind of cockroach, tends to be an insecure mess.

He doesn’t show it.

Nooooooo.

He is an insecure macho mess.

He portrays a really strong front though.

He acts tough.

And is usually the boss of the relationship.

Nothing wrong with that so far.

Problem is, he has picked a strong woman.

ESPECIALLY since he is insecure and really a weakling at heart. He tends to seek out stronger women.

And then when he HAS said strong woman. He gets terrified he will lose her.

And he gets…

intimidated by her strength.

And overwhelmed by her independence.

And beauty.

And basically realises he is a cockroach that has managed to snag a princess somehow.

And he gets terrified.

TERRIFIED.

Terr- I – fied.

With a capital ‘T’

That he will lose her.

So he begins to break her down.

‘Princess is too good for me.

I know it.

She knows it.

All the other men she works and interacts with know it to.

Its only a matter of time until she leaves me.’

Cockroaches brain spins around and around and around.

‘The only way out is to make sure she doesn’t realise how good she is.

How strong she is.

How hot she is.

That way, that way….

She will never have the confidence to leave me.’

And the sabotage begins.

Cockroach undermines every decision you make.

Calls you  a’pretty little thing’

Makes you feel like you can’t make a single decision in your life, to SAVE your life!

And then starts with breaking down your self esteem.

He starts by casually mentioning that maybe you should hit the gym.

Or on reaching for that second slice of pizza, he gives you a face. The ‘Maybe you shouldn’t do that’ face.

Or maybe, he asks you if your dress is too tight.

If he gets away with the so called ‘subtle’ hints, and sees your self esteem cracking before his eyes…

It escalates.

Now he feels brave enough to call you ‘fat’ to your face.

He may even throw in a few names.

‘Elephant’

Likens you to a popular Tv host.

Maybe calls you a ‘Chunky’

Ah ha! Since that stage of the plan is working, he continues in his resolve to secretly make you an emotional wreck.

‘You are too emotional!’

‘Only a woman would say that kind of nonsense’

Sigh.

Need I go on?

So many friends of mine seem to have boyfriends or husbands like this.

It is not a coincidence.

Its a pandemic.

Its a generation of men, who were bred to believe they wanted a strong woman.

However, they have never learnt how to treat or deal with a strong woman.

So while their heads tell them they want a strong woman, their neathanderal hormones kick in, and tell them that they need to break this woman down, because she is stronger than him.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his woman.

It also doesn’t mean he even realises what he is doing.

And I am not saying, by any means, to leave your husbands or boyfriends.

Just to recognise it for what it is.

And stop it in its tracks before it gets worse.

So the next time your boyfriend says you ought to go the gym…

Parry with a ‘Well your paunch is starting to look like it needs some work too’

Or maybe even call him up on it.

If he wants to call you fat. Let him say it to your face.

And  then you can say you feel you are sexy and hot the way you are. And if he doesn’t like it, tough. Because he knew what package deal he was getting when he signed up for the relationship.

DO NOT let him get away with making you feel bad about yourself.

Shoot it down when it starts.

MAKE him see that that kind of crap will not fly.

You will NOT allow it.

You are too confident and strong a woman to LET him get under your skin and make you feel bad about yourself.

Now.

Not tomorrow.

Now.

Tomorrow, he may have escalated to buying your clothes. And telling you you are an an ‘ugly cow’

And that ladies. Is emotional abuse.

Don’t let him.

Muslim Man Seeking Wife

I never knew how difficult it was for muslim men to actually find a wife.

Until my cousin started looking 😉

Its not that simple.

When we are on the other side (the girl side) we sit there, hands folded, saying: ‘Where are all the good muslim men at??’

Unbeknownst to us, the men are doing the same thing!

They are complaining to their mothers and sisters and aunties, that it is difficult to find a good muslim girl to marry. Really.

Trust me.

This whole new modern age has thrown us for a loop.

Long gone is the age of aunties and grandmas recommending beautiful girls, and successful boys and making perfect matches.

Nowadays, people travel to study all across the globe. Girls are working in America, London, Australia. Equally perfectly eligible boys are trapped in an office in Dubai, Boston, Dallas.

We have lost the old fashioned ways of traditional arranged marriages.

So what replaces it?

That is the big question.

Do we date?

Do we meet guys on Facebook?

Do we join online Muslim dating sites and put up our ‘Bio Data?’ (said with the perfunctory Indian head nod. Lol)

Do we ask our sisters and aunties to look around for us and recommend someone appropriate?

And then what happens when you DO get a recommendation? What then??????

What are the rules of engagement?

Does he come and propose straight away?

Or can we chat for a bit on Skype and whatsapp?

Should I tell my mum immediately someone is interested in marrying me? What happens if it doesn’t work out?

Complicated I tell you.

Having been through the system myself….I can tell you. Its complicated.

I can only say:

Be open. Be honest. Pray to Allah.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

Allah wants us to pray to him.

Ask him, and he will answer.

My aunty told me a story of a guy who used to pray to Allah for a wife. He initially started by saying Allah, please let her be the one who is Kheir (good) for me. But also, he added a list of specifications. Green eyes, long hair, nice in character, religious..etc etc. He had an incredibly detailed list of specifics. However which each specification, he kept praying that above all, and most important may she be kheir for him.

When his family recommended a girl for him, and he met and married her, he was amazed. It was as though a girl was actually made to his exact specifications especially for him. She had all the features he had asked for and more. And Allah put between them a great love.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer.

Pray to Allah.

Also ask him to bring you closer to the person who is good for you. Kheir for you.

And secondly, be open minded.

He isn’t tall and muscular? Don’t dismiss him off the bat. Be open to considering him. Maybe he has other features you will love?

He doesn’t have the best job in the world (you wanted a Neurosurgeon like McDreamy in Greys)…well, just give him a chance. Maybe once you two are together, Allah will open doors you did not expect,and he will end up being richer and more respected than a Neurosurgeon.

Sometimes, I wish I could start a real system connecting people.

I know so many gorgeous, perfectly lovely men wanting to get married.

And so many gorgeous, perfectly lovely girls also wanting to settle down.

Now all I need to do is dust of my matchmaking skills and get to work ;p

I am accepting applications. Lol.

Also, I am still waiting for my Prince Charming, with hazel eyes and a 6 pack …;) But OVERALL, may he be kheir for me 😉 hehe.

xx

Where have all the good men gone?

Wedding  Bianca & Hishan

Image by DavidSurfer via Flickr

Now this article is on behalf of all the sisters out there looking. Looking for the man of their dreams. Well. Not necessarily the man of their dreams. He doesn’t have to be George Clooney or Brad Pitt. A pious muslim brother without too much hair on his back, who respects his mother would do.

No, seriously. This issue of finding a man to settle down with and get married to is an age-old one. How difficult is it to find that match who satisfies our feminist views (must cook, must respect women, must NOT expect me to massage his feet after work), our mother’s expectations (Doctor or lawyer ONLY!…okay maybe an accountant as long as he is making wads of cash) AND our father’s impossible standards (Does he have a 10 year plan and a house?)

Well, together with the difficulties of today’s society-Its all VERY taxing.

If you try to do things the right way-no dating, no weird internet dating sites, no ugly cousins that your parents are shoving onto you-how exactly do you find you’re husband to be?

You can’t exactly walk up to a muslim brother, introduce yourself and ask if he’s single….umm, wait CAN you?

We are faced with the following issues in today’s modern jungle:

a) Girls are more educated.

This means we are more picky. We will not accept that distant relative from the village who has no further ambitions than to expand his growing stock of cattle. It also means, men are scared of us. Yes, they kind of are. Who wants a know-it-all wife who makes more money, demands cooking skills as well as financial stability to rival her own?

Sadly, our qualifications work against us ladies.

Muslimah doctors

b) Modern Society

Having been seduced (read *brain washed* ) by romantic comedies and Disney films our whole lives, we are all waiting for Prince Charming. We also want to be romanced. And to fall madly in love. And to live Happily Ever After.

Unfortunately, they are called fairy tales for a reason.

Now, this whole Prince Charming idea does NOT fit in with Islamic Aqeedah. We cannot have a magic first kiss or romantic dates under the stars.

Yet, we do not want the traditional match-making-arranged-marriage type malarkey either. ‘How can I marry someone I don’t know at all!!!??’ my friend once wailed at me. (She is now happily married to said man)

So no ‘Prince Charming’ and no ‘Traditional Man’.

Where does that leave us?

c) A multi-cultural world in a bigoted society

With today’s society being the melting pot that it is, I often find myself working beside a Caucasian Irish physiotherapist, a Pakistani doctor, a Somali nurse, and an African receptionist. Oh not to mention the ….multi-racial variety ( I struggled to find the Politically Correct word there) From Afro-Arabs such as myself, to Indo-Caucasians, we have a larger pot from which we can pick our potential mates.

In theory.

See, with Muslims from different backgrounds working together, living together, interacting in society, there is bound to be some …inter-mingling. By that I mean, a Muslim African brother sees a practicing Asian hijabi sister, and decides she could make a good potential future wife. Enquiries are made, the sister is flattered, excited even at the prospect. Yet after a few preliminary meetings, the sister’s family responds to the proposal with a resounding NO.

Dreams dashed. Hopes shattered.

Racism in Islamic communities is alive and kicking.

d) Lack of Islamic Knowledge

How many of us have studied, truly studied the principles of courting and marriage in Islam? Do we know that we have been guided into what to look for in a spouse? What to say to a potential husband/wife?

Well, we have.

Read up.

We are looking for the all wrong things in our potential hubbies-to-be. Bank balances, muscles and a high-powered career will only get you so far. Look for someone who you can love for the sake of Allah.

In certain countries, men are given a grant by the government to get married. Why? Well, they simply can’t afford it otherwise. Women are asking for dowries that are too high. Expenses that men simply cannot afford. In Egypt, Oman, Saudi, girls are languishing by their windows dreaming of Romeo, yet their asking prices are way to high. Imagine setting a price on yourself as though you were a cow!Way to go proving non-Muslims right; In Islam parents sell off their daughters to the highest bidder!

How much are you worth?

Totally wrong. Totally un-Islamic. The recommended dowry should be something small that the fiancé can afford. A Qur’an and a prayer mat even.

I don’t know the solution to our problems really. All I know, is that there are many nice Muslim sisters who want to get married. There are equally many nice Muslim brothers hoping to settle down. Now if I can just set up my international ‘Get Young Muslims Married Off ‘ organization, using a network of busybody ‘aunties’ in different communities, I might yet be able to pay off my student loans.

Peace.

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