Change

I have had a lot of change lately.

Some good.

Some bad.

Mostly good.

Sometimes, when you are in a rut, and you are really really sad, you just need to get up and change things.

It’s harder done than said. I know.

Trust me. I know.

I was in a really dark place a couple of months back.

I was really, really depressed.

I was recently reading some of the poetry I wrote at that time. And wow. It’s some scary stuff.

If and when I publish it here, I worry you guys might think that’s what I’m going through now…(I assume you care – :P)

I’m not.

I’m fine. Now. Alhamdulillah.

And the journey I have been through, makes this moment right here, right now, that much more precious.

I’m so scared of going back there.

But I know, that sometimes, depression just sneaks up on you.

*Shrug*

I might go back to that dark place. I might not.

But I shan’t let the fear of that stop me from living my happiness now 🙂

Alhamdulillah I am home.

I’m in Kenya.

I’m in a new, beautiful relationship.

And I am happy.

Happier that I can remember myself being.

In a long, long while.

I laugh.

I smile.

I giggle.

I play.

I am …almost myself again.

So, any of you who are going through that horrible dark cloud of gloom and dooooom …

there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I made it.

So can you.

Pick yourself up right now.

Go to the doctors.

Go speak to a friend.

Go find a counsellor.

Google CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) There are LOTS of cool self-help stuff you can do online.

Get OUT OF YOUR RUT.

If something is causing you unhappiness? Well, change it!

Force yourself to speak to someone. Really. Really.

Really.

When you find yourself on the floor, sobbing, with your desire to live leaching out of your eyes, just….

…call somebody.

Please?

You need a hug.

I love y’all

Thanks for reading.

xo

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Dance

Doomed to dance the same routine

Like a marionette in an empty theatre

Trapped

Ghostly applause

Echoing

At my bleeding feet

I can feel it coming

Sometimes I feel sad for no apparent reason

I feel so... meh

I’m afraid of what’s coming.

It’s not the apocalypse. Or the End Of Days.

It’s not even an alien invasion.

Nope.

Nothing fancy or dramatic.

Just ….

*Drum Rolls*

………….The………..

………………………..Big……………………..

…………………………………………………….Depression…………………….

*Ominous Music*

I try to make light of the matter.

But really. I’m terrified.

Some say humour is used to mask extreme emotion; A coping mechanism.

I say: Ermm…Why did the chicken cross the road?

🙂

Ok, seriously.

I have spoken about my melancholic tendencies before. I come in and out of these….’blues’. Sometimes it’s not so bad. However sometimes, the blue becomes a deep, black.

The Deep Black, it’s not a very pretty place. It’s the place I’m most afraid of.

So, my breath catches.

Frozen in my throat.

My chest tightens.

Am I going to croak?

Will my blues ever stay away forever?

Will these days turn into grays?

Sigh. I gotta keep it together…

God willing, I will have smooth sailing through this stormy weather. I shall come out the other side, a little battle weary, but triumphant. Having successfully banished my demons to the recesses of my mind…once again.

🙂

See you on the other side.

xo

Melancholy

Sometimes I feel like I’m the lone pilot in an empty sky. Flying aimlessly, listlessly towards space.

I battle with a melancholic nature. I don’t remember always being like this. I just woke up one day and realized there was always a grey tinge to every aspect of my life. Like a silver lining, but without the happy ending.

Such things are not discussed openly. Depression, and her deputy Loneliness are just not dinner conversation. Not even pillow talk, or ‘girl speak’. Its a topic that is still hush hush.

Most people, especially in more traditional communities – African, Arab, Indian – do not believe depression exists. Lol. They do not even have a word for it in their respective languages. It’s just well, ‘feeling moody,’ or ‘hormones’ Basically a transient feeling that will pass after Mummy dearest makes you you’re favorite soup.

Moreover, accepting that it exists, makes you’re loved ones feel resentful-is their love not good enough to keep you happy? Why are you not talking to them? Why are you closing yourself off?

Big up to 3CB who brought the issue to light by bravely highlighting her struggle with depression.

I am not depressed…at the moment.

I cannot however shake off this feeling that something grey, forboding, and evil lurks around every corner. I see darkness and shadows behind every smile, every sunny day.

Before I reach terrified for the happy pills, I want to question it. Interrogate these dark feelings until they have emptied their pockets of hidden agendas and evil machinations.

Am I feeling unfulfilled? Is my melancholy temporal ( a ‘bad’ time in my life) ? Psychological ? Genetic? Cultural? Astrological? Artistic? Evolutionary? Karmic? Hormonal? Dietary? Seasonal? Environmental?

Eeeek! So many factors contribute towards the complicated mesh that is the human psyche.

But I have decided to be a student of my own grey, lobulated mind.

Eat healthily. Go organic. Exercise. Take up a new hobby. Meet people. Pray. Pray and Pray. Meditate.

Maybe I’m slowly going loco.

Or maybe I’m just homesick…

Peace 🙂

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