Crazy In Love

‘You are my downfall

You are my muse

My worst distraction.

My heads underwater but I’m breathing fire.

Your crazy and I’m out of my mind.

Coz all of me, loves all of you.’

Do you think about that kind of love that people write about?

The love that makes you crazy.

Makes everything spin. Makes you do crazy out of this world things.

Gives you the strength to be whatever you THINK you can be?

Remember that love?

Then remember how you gave it up.

Some kinds of love are too hot to hold in your heart.

It exhilarates and sets free, just as much as it burns and hurts.

The types of love that makes you cry just as much as it makes you laugh.

Yes it exists.

Not exactly like the movies. Or the novels.

Coz memories and imagination likes rounded out curves.

But love is nothing LIKE rounded out.

Its jagged. And cruel. And kind. And beautiful. So beautiful, it hurts to look at.

Kind of like an Orchid.

Ever thought of how something so beautiful, is so ugly?

Ever look at an Orchid really closely?

If you look from afar, with a half-glance, you see the unbelievable beauty.

But look too closely, and you see the ANIMAL nature of the markings on the petals. The cruel patterns, that look like open, jagged mouths. Or faces of some kind of alien creature. And it makes you feel so uncomfortable your skin crawls.

That’s love.

Its animal. And its ugly. But its beautiful all the same.

Not for everyone ey?

Which is why most of us, we settle for puppy love.

The kind that warms your heart, and tickles your feet.

That other kind, it wants to crack open your skull and bring out the crazy.

And ain’t nobody got time for that

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What I Need From A Marriage

1. To be treated gently.

Because I come from a place where I have been treated so roughly, and insensitively by the vicious voices of my peers, friends and family. 

2. To be granted ample freedom and space within my relationship.

Because authority figures have invaded every area of my life allowing no room for freedom of choice all my life. So that my life has been a lifelong journey of rebellion. I don’t want my marriage to be.

3. To be affirmed.

Because I have a deep need for affirmation and attentiveness and a sense of belonging. Since I haven’t managed to get that from anywhere else.

4. To be accepted and understood

5. To be paid attention to.

6. To be forgiven for being imperfect. And loved for it.

7. To be listened to. 

Because the only one who has ever really listened to me, was me. It would be nice to have more than an audience of one for a change.

8. To be kissed, and hugged, and told Im beautiful. Every few hours of the day. Every day.

9. To be treated like a Queen, a new romantic interest, a girlfriend, and a wife, all in one. That means dates, and presents, and long make out sessions.

10. To be allowed to love you back, in all the ways from 1-9.

Loss

Is it me?

It must be.

For he always walks away

Especially after I’ve pushed him far

Far away.

Walking away

 

You don’t understand

This pain

Its a drug I can’t explain.

Dance

Doomed to dance the same routine

Like a marionette in an empty theatre

Trapped

Ghostly applause

Echoing

At my bleeding feet

Hurting

I’m tired.

Because my life is hurting.

I’m hurting.

Because my heart is bleeding.

Gushing, pouring, seeping, streaming.

Congealing.

Pulses of warm, fragrant, liquid life.

My heart is emptied.

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