Marriage Is For Losers

Marriage Is For Losers

The third kind of marriage is not perfect, not even close. But a decision has been made, and two people have decided to love each other to the limit, and to sacrifice the most important thing of all—themselves. In these marriages, losing becomes a way of life, a competition to see who can listen to, care for, serve, forgive, and accept the other the most. The marriage becomes a competition to see who can change in ways that are most healing to the other, to see who can give of themselves in ways that most increase the dignity and strength of the other.  These marriages form people who can be small and humble and merciful and loving and peaceful.

And they are revolutionary, in the purest sense of the word.

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What I Need From A Marriage

1. To be treated gently.

Because I come from a place where I have been treated so roughly, and insensitively by the vicious voices of my peers, friends and family. 

2. To be granted ample freedom and space within my relationship.

Because authority figures have invaded every area of my life allowing no room for freedom of choice all my life. So that my life has been a lifelong journey of rebellion. I don’t want my marriage to be.

3. To be affirmed.

Because I have a deep need for affirmation and attentiveness and a sense of belonging. Since I haven’t managed to get that from anywhere else.

4. To be accepted and understood

5. To be paid attention to.

6. To be forgiven for being imperfect. And loved for it.

7. To be listened to. 

Because the only one who has ever really listened to me, was me. It would be nice to have more than an audience of one for a change.

8. To be kissed, and hugged, and told Im beautiful. Every few hours of the day. Every day.

9. To be treated like a Queen, a new romantic interest, a girlfriend, and a wife, all in one. That means dates, and presents, and long make out sessions.

10. To be allowed to love you back, in all the ways from 1-9.

The Modern Muslim Husband

Islam

So nowadays people seem to have such a modern take on relationships.

A good friend of mine just told me about how he definitely wants a wife to contribute to the running of the house and their lives.

Well that in and of itself is not a bad thing.

But the fact that he listed that as a requirement and was adamant that it was a necessity and a requirement of her. I had to protest.

Islamically, the roles in marriage are set out very clearly.

The man is the provider. It is his Wajib (compulsory) responsibility to provide for his wife and children.

The wive’s Wajib responsibility is to take care of the home, her husband and her children.

If the two decide, amongst each other, to help the other out, and blur the clear roles…that is due to the Iman and love that Allah has put between them.

Okay let me make myself more clear.

A husband is required to take care of his wife completely. Even if she works, whatever money she makes is hers and hers alone. She has no obligation to pay electricity bills or buy a fridge or even milk and bread.

IF she decides she wants to help her husband and her children and work as a team, that is entirely up to her. And she will do that out of Iman and love.

In the same vein, the husbands role is to provide. Not to look after the children and change diapers. IF however he decides to help feed the baby because his wife was up all night with the child, then that is from his Iman and love.

The clear roles are defined so that there is no miscommunication. No ill feelings. No resentment.

If one decides to go above and beyond those roles, it is looked on favourably by the other spouse and acknowledged as the him/her having made an extra effort.

For example, if I work and with my money, I pay the bills, and the mortgage. I want my husband to acknowledge that I am helping him. And that I am a good wife, doing this out of love.

In the same vein, if he does the laundry and the dishes and feeds the baby, I will be grateful, and acknowledge that he is a wonderful husband.

I will not thank him every single day he goes to work to provide for his family, in the same way he will not have to thank me each time I change a nappy and for having given birth to our child. It is our respective duties and what is expected.

I don’t know if I am being clear enough.

I want an Islamic Marriage. With all its trappings.

I want a husband like Rasulullah (S.A.W) who would help out around the house and darn his own clothes.

I want to be a wife like bibi Khadija (R.A) who was independent and worked, and initially supported her husband when it was necessary.

People may call that modern? I call it an Islamic Marriage.

I will not bend to todays popular version of what is acceptable or a la mode or fashionable in a marriage.

Today, it is feminist rights, and being exactly EQUAL to a man.

Tomorrow, women may be screaming its actually their right to be taken care of by the man when they are pregnant and not HAVE to work or contribute.

Popular opinion, and societies view of what is popular and acceptable in relationships will change. It changes all the time.

This whole feminist approach is tres new. A few decades ago, it wasn’t there. And a few decades later, it may be scrapped and people may start a hue and cry about something else.

Just because it is popular, doesn’t mean its The Definitive Truth and what I have to want/follow.

Islam is timeless.

Regardless of what is a la mode.

So for now, I choose an Islamic Marriage.

Please lets stop getting caught up with what we see in movies, and what we are brainwashed to believe relationships and marriages are about.

Unless you want multiple affairs, mistresses, divorces within days (a la Kim Kardashian)….then you can go ahead and follow your latest ROMCOM movie for relationship advice.

Otherwise,  I would recommend you choose for yourself which kind of relationship you want.

And go back to Islamic principles.

May Allah give me, and all others the right kind of partner, ambaye ana kheri na mimi (who is Kheir for me)

xx

Marriage Woes

Women keep complaining to me about unhappy marriages.

Khalaas.

I am tired.

Lol.

Really tho!

I am an unmarried young Muslim girl. Who still has rosy ideas about marriage and romance.

But every one of my friends, or aunties, or acquaintances feels the need to tell me the intimate, horrid details of their failed or failing marriages.

Le sigh.

I honestly, do not invite these disclosures.

Yes, I like to help. And I will offer a sympathetic ear.

And yes, I love my friends and will help them as much as I can, when they come to me with their problems.

But really though, its scaring me about marriage!!!

Also, what do I know? Im not married myself! What qualifies me to advise them?

Abusive relationships, cheating husbands, second wives, miserly husbands, intimacy issues….are just a FEW of the issues I have been trying to ‘help’ with.

Inshallah I will continue to do as best as I can to listen (because above all this is what  people need most) And Allah has given me this opportunity to do some good, and help in whichever way I can.

But …*sob*….its putting the fear of God in me regarding marriage.

My mum says everyone’s luck is different.

And honestly, in my head, I accept the truth of that statement.

In reality though, I am worried, worried, worried.

And I have even found myself thinking, well marriage is not COMPULSORY in Islam.

Its half of the Deen, yes.

And well, it can be kind of awesome to have a partner in your life.

But its not the end all and be all.

Lol.

Allah y’aalam.

Let me have Subra. And what will be will be.

May Allah help my friends and family, and all those undergoing marriage difficulties. Give them subra and improve the relationship between those husbands and wives.

*Okay I’m done ranting now* Lol.

Having More Than One Wife In Islam

Symbol of Islam, the name of Allah, simplified...

So I have just had a discussion with some of my friends.

And they raised an issue that is often the heated topic of choice in many ‘girl talk’ sessions.

Should a man be allowed to have more than one wife. Islamically.

If you were a woman, whose husband wanted a second wife, would you agree?

What would you say? What would you think?

Islamically, what is the ruling on this.

A hot topic, yes?

It is also one of the favourite topics Non-Muslims use to highlight the supposed ‘neathanderal’ attitudes of Islamic culture.

In any case, here are the some of the issues we talked about. (Using a fictional discussion amongst fictional characters of course 😉 )

Three girls sat around the kitchen table having coffee, and a much needed catch up session. The topic of Polygamy in Islam comes up.

Aisha: I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE  A SECOND WIFE. Never. Ever. Ever. I would die before I let that happen. I would leave him. I would not stand for it. Ever.

Hajra: Well, aren’t you Muslim though?

Aisha: Well Of course I am.

Hajra: In that case, in Surat Nisa it says:

“… marry women of your choice, two, three, or four, but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one…(Surah al-Nisa, 3).

Hence it is allowed! How can you call yourself a Muslim, if you don’t agree with what is in the Quran? You cannot pick and choose what you like in Islam.

Aisha: Weeell. I still wouldn’t be able to handle it. Honestly and truly. I just couldn’t do it. Allow my husband to sleep with another wife? Allow her to live with us for example? Allow him to look after her children as well. I know myself. I would not be able to.

Rabiyah: Okay. Well, none of you have mentioned the criteria. The requirements. In the ayah it says that a man should be able to treat all of his wives equally. And only IF he can do this, is when he is allowed to marry more than one wife. Men are human. There is no way they can treat all the wives equally. Allah knows this. Which is why he put the requirement in place. To dissuade men from going around and marrying wives left right and centre.

Sayyiduna Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him & give him peace) said: “A man who has two wives and he does not deal justly with them will be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with half his body paralysed.” (Sunan Tirmizi, no. 1141)

If he buys butter in one household, then he must buy butter in the other household. Not margarine. If one wife has a car, then the other should have one as well. The number of nights should be shared equally with the wives. The wifely duties should be distributed equally.

If a man can truly do this, then and only then is he allowed to marry more than one wife. If he is not financially capable of maintaining all the wives in an an equal manner, or not emotionally able to be fair between them, then he should stay with just the one wife.

ALSO, there are reasons. There should, ideally, be specific reasons for a man to go out and marry a second wife.

If she is ill.

If she is unable to bear children.

If she cannot meet his sexual needs because of illness.

Genuine. Real. Reasons.

Not randomly, because he has seen a ‘hot  piece of ass’ and feels like he can go ahead and enjoy life by having more than one woman.

Aisha: Even with all the reasons you have listed. I would still not be able to handle it! Because after all, he has promised to be with me through thick and thin. Just because I am ill, he decides he wants another wife? And throws me to the curb? I just would not be able to tolerate it. At all!

Hajra: Well, even you, as a woman, you have similar rights. If your husband is impotent, or he has an illness and can not look after you, you are allowed Islamically to ask for a divorce and get another husband. But if you choose to have subra, and stay and work things out and look after your husband, your reward of course will be from Allah. And that may be better for you. The same goes for a man.  Yes he is allowed a second wife if his first wife is ill or cannot meet her wifely duties. However, if he chooses to have subra and stay with his one wife, Inshallah that may be better for him.

Rabeya: I think, I think, and I may be wrong. But, men are created differently compared to women. They may have a stronger sexual drive. And perhaps weakness when it comes to women. So Allah has created this caveat. This ‘clause’ so to speak. To allow for this ‘weakness’. Would you rather your man went out and cheated on you with a hundred women, as they do in the Western world? Or would you rather he made the young girl respectable? Married her and looked after her.

A lot of women don’t mind the extra help. It means company. There are two of you. You work together to look after the household and your husband and your children. I know saying that is controversial. And a lot of people may label me ..I don’t know…ignorant or oppressed or brainwashed for having such ideas. But Polygamy is not a new concept. It has been practiced in many cultures across the world for centuries, and still is! It has been devilised by the Western world. Yet look at their society; Divorce, affairs, mistresses. Well, at least a higher rate of. Because even in Muslim societies those things exist.

And also, its not to say there will be no difficulties. There will be jealousy. Potential strife. Disagreements.

However, that doesn’t mean it can’t work. Or you should dismiss it because it does not fall in line with your ‘feminist’ views of the world.

Aisha: I am not being feminist as you say. I am just saying what would or would not work for me. I am an individual at the end of the day. And what works for one individual may not work for another. Some women may be happy with that kind of situation. I must say, I am not one of those. And I have clearly stated to my husband; If he marries another wife, I will leave him.

Rabeya: Subhanallah. But I do see your point about you being an individual. Fair enough.

Hajrah: Yes, I see your point. And besides its easier said than done. Saying : ‘A man can marry more than one wife’ in theory, is all well and good. But when it is YOUR husband, it is a different matter all together. And the subra, and strength, and Iman it takes, is not a small thing. And I truly believe for the women who manage to accept this, and live with their husbands and co-wives well, their reward is with Allah and He recognises and sees the sacrifice they have made.

Aisha: In any case. Allah knows best.

Hajra: Yes, all we can do is pray that we are doing the right thing. And leave the rest to Allah.

Aisha: Yeah. But I would kill him. If he did that. I really would.

*All Laugh*

Rabeya: Staghfirullah!

*More peals of laughter*

My views and that of my friends may be flawed. But it is from the little knowledge we have, from the little we have gleaned from our parents relationships, our friends marriages and what we have seen around us. Insha’allah, may Allah guide us all towards the righteous path. And keep us from Naar and protect us all. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, or add to the discussion. I welcome any new knowledge, Hadiths, Ayahs.

🙂

Smooches!

The Other Woman

‘He walked out on me. He walked out on me!….. Or he might as well have.’

She stares blankly at the wall.

Her eyes, dulled with pain.

The air, so stiff and heavy with emotion, it catches in my throat.

I run the comb through my sister’s inky black hair.

Heavy tresses, glimmering in the dim light of the moon.

The scent of the sea carries through the open balcony doors.

I feel her pain. This woman, this blood of mine.

And as my hand rises and falls, entwined in her hair, my heart bleeds.

Blind rage, overwhelming sadness, grief.

So much grief.

I wish I could hold her heart in my hands, and gingerly nurse it back to health.

Kiss it, and hug it, and whisper sweet nothings to it.

How dare he break it?!

 

Silent tears fall onto her lap.

‘Habibty, you are better off without him.’

‘I know Lulu. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.’

 

 

My Dream Wedding

I’m always planning my wedding.

Always.

When I see a beautiful beach.

Or a beautiful dress in a magazine.

Or a lovely hairstyle.

I  love watching wedding shows!

I’m addicted. Any kind of wedding shows. Cheesy ones, American ones, horrible British ones.

I love looking at other people’s wedding pictures. (Facebook = a gold mine! Lol.)

‘Oh that colour combination is nice’

‘I would never wear that dress with those arms!’

‘Bad choice of shoes’

I don’t just enjoy it. I revel in it. Its my favorite pass time.

I read wedding blogs (whatjunebugloves is a good one)

I attend wedding shows.

I must admit the one thing I haven’t yet done is buy wedding magazines. I refuse to actually spend money on this insane obsession. (Yes, I am aware that it is insane. LOL)

I have this belief that when I start spending money on a wedding I don’t actually have, then I have officially gone over the edge.

Until then, I only read the wedding magazines at the salon. Or at the Doctor’s office. Lol.

What is it about weddings?

Sigh.

Is it the idea of romance? Of love?

Is it the idea of being the centre of attention?

Being the most beautiful person in the room?

Having the people you love the most surround you and wish you well?

Being able to commit yourself to the person you love forever and ever?

In a unique way that represents both of your personalities and cultures?

Is it the bringing together of many generations? Grandchildren and aunties. Sisters and cousins.

Or is it the excitement of planning and fun associated with it?

Or maybe…………..it’s ALL OF THAT?

WEDDINGS ARE AMAZING!!

I love love love weddings!

I don’t know if I want a destination wedding. Or a traditional wedding. Or a home spun wedding?

Maybe I’ll have it on a beach. Or a beautiful Grecian hall. Or in the garden behind our house.

Sigh.

So many options! So many options!!

* Deep breath *

* Composes self *

The fact that I don’t have a groom as yet…

Well.

Details.

🙂

I don’t mind though.

I spend many, happy hours browsing and criticizing other people’s weddings.

Lol.

Some people have shopping or sports.

I have Weddings.

🙂

* Off to browse Junebug Weddings *


Beef On Twitter

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

I am upset.

Deeply upset.

My significant other has decided it is his prerogative to post our personal issues on facebook.

He hates it when I write on this blog about my OWN personal issues.

Let alone OUR personal issues.

So the fact that he felt the need to dedicate a status about marriage and weddings and the cost of these things while negatively referencing myself….

*Fumes*

So, my dear.

If you are reading. All. Bets. Are. Off.

……………..Social media is the devil.

For relationships.

For friendships.

For all kinds of -ships.

It is the poison that feeds the evil monster within.

It feeds the little, scar-faced, disfigured nasty monster who represents all the negative facets of our personalities.

The Jealous You.

The Mdaku (nosy) You.

The Covetous You.

The Lonely You.

The Spiteful You.

Social Media (Twitter, facebook, etc ) allow for these elements of yourself to roam freely through other people’s pages.

You can deposit comments and tweets on other people’s lives, like little ticking time bombs.

Leave them sitting there. Like a steaming turd on someone’s doorstep.

At the click of a button. Boom!

I recently read an article which said that Facebook is increasingly being quoted as a reason for divorce in court proceedings.

It is also being quoted as the cause for marital problems in marriage counselling.

I read yet another article about how a woman created a fake profile to seduce her husband and see if he would cheat. He did.

Now, I’m not trying to give you guys ideas on how to catch a cheating spouse.

I’m just saying. People do some strange things on Social Media sites.

I have always used it to keep in touch with friends and family.

Never displaying too much personal info.

Most of my pictures are restricted.

A lot of what I post is via direct messages.

I try not to let my personal business become everyone’s business.

I HATE HATE HATE the ‘in a relationship’ option.

I HATE HATE HATE people who make up and break up on facebook.

I HATE HATE HATE lovey dovey couples whose tongues are basically down each other’s throats on facebook statuses and comments.

Get a ROOM!

And now, the fact that MY business has just been made so public.

The fact that I have stooped so low and actually responded.

The fact that I have now become what I despise….

SMDH.

A sign of the times people.

I have gone over to the dark side.

From now on:

All.

Bets.

Are.

Off.

That is all.

Update:

Instead of responding to the beef online, I sent my boo a text instead.

He apologized and took down the offending facebook status immediately.

@Bugz79 told me that: ‘The other party resorts to social media vents if they don’t feel heard. Communicate.’

I could not ignore the truth in that statement.

‘Communicate.’

Sounds easy right? 🙂

Let’s give it a go then…:-p

The Him You Have vs The Him You Want

The Him You Want:

Hot. Slim. Rock hard abs.

He listens when you talk.

He just GETS you.

He doesn’t judge …ever.

You can be your total and complete loco self with him.

He encourages you to be you.

He inspires you to be better.

He is your muse.

Your rock.

Your partner.

Your friend. Your very BEST friend.

He will listen to you go on and on about shoes, or your crappy day at work, or how your friend may or may not have said something mean to you.

He will listen patiently, and offer advice.

He will take you shopping. Even though he hates it.

He makes you soup when you’re sick.

He  makes you smile.

He makes you feel beautiful. Every day.

He makes you feel like a Goddamn piece of art. Even when you are at your worst.

Through his eyes, you grow. You start to see yourself as he sees you….Beautiful. And your insecurities fall away.

You are the apple of his eye.

And he is the icing on your cake.

He is a bit of a bad boi.

You can never get hold of him when you need him ..Mr. Unreachable.

He is moody, and deep.

Sensitive and arty.

Dangerous…..

Exciting?

The Him You Have:

He is annoying.

He doesn’t make you laugh.

He picks his teeth.

He doesn’t pick up his dirty boxers.

He is Mr. Practical and counts every penny.

He won’t let you buy that new hoover (you already have 3)

He does make a mean lasagne though.

He gets on with mum and dad. Knows how to keep them off your back so that you don’t have to shoot your brains out.

He is Mr. Responsible.

Never late.

Never broke.

Never not-there. He is your rock.

He is Mr. Fix it.

Not a single light bulb unchanged, nor a pesky hard to open jar, unopened.

The best person at a crisis.

Guaranteed to answer his phone. Help is on its way! He is Mr. Dependable.

He is your Mr. Right now, Right here.

The Him You Have.

If the Him You Have, and The Him You Want are the same person?

Congratulations.

Never leave him.

Be good to him.

Make sure he knows you love him every day.

If The Him You Have is who you DO have. I envy you. Do you feel like you settled? Settled for less? Or settled for the best?

Feeling secure in a relationship vs excitement and romance? The age old question that has eluded many a woman before us.

The lucky few get it all. So I hear.

I have yet to see substantial evidence of a relationship with BOTH Mr. Excitement and Mr. Dependable.

But exploding stars exist. So who am I to question what I haven’t seen with my own eyes.

I don’t know peeps.

I feel old. And I feel like we never DO get to the bottom of life’s difficult questions. They just remain unanswered and when we are dead and gone, a new batch of clueless young’uns repeat the journey of painful soul searching….

I guess, I guess, Its just about doing You. Being true to YOU. And the truth will follow (as will Mr. Whoever)…..

Peace out, yo

xo

PS: (I may have found a Mr. Perfect…though its early days…wish me luck!)

Get married-or else!

Why is it that marriage and babies beckons when a woman turns say…22+ (this age limit changes depending on culture, religion, location and many many other variables)

Why are we made to feel incomplete unless we are part of a pair?

Why is it that all our accomplishments – career wise, personal development, religion – whatever, amount to nothing if we don’t have a ring?(God Made Me a Woman, BintiM)

I am more than the ring on my finger, dammit! (or lack thereof)

I have enough disadvantages at work – (emm, being a WOMAN!) without adding a husband and babies to my plate at the moment, thank you very much.

Women at Work

Why can’t I just be a successful single gal? eh?? ehh???

If you can’t tell, I am on full rant mode.

I am so sick of people calling me a nurse at work. I’m a doctor dammit! I am sick of sexist ‘jokes’. No, it is not my time of the month. The reason why I am telling you off, is because you messed up! Not because of ‘hormones’ thank you very much. Do NOT tell me how to do my job. Do I need to remind you that I am your colleague? Just because you have a set of balls does not give you the right to lord over me.

Jesus!

In such a testosterone fuelled career such as medicine – I need all the leg-ups I can get. And being single at the moment, is one such advantage.

Yet, in the society we live in, singledom is as unattractive as having ‘FUGLY’ written in black, permanent ink accross your forehead.

No matter how empowered we get, how many glass ceilings we shatter, we are still mesmerized by this idea of marriage. Songs like Beyonce’s ‘Single Ladies’ still makes on no.1 charts all over the world.

For fecks sake.

We can do better ladies.

I’m not saying I’m against the institution of marriage. Or that I do not want to get married. I am also NOT a lesbian.

I’m just saying I shall decide when I want to. And no amount of societal or family pressure shall push me into something I’m not ready for. I reserve the right to concentrate on my career. I reserve the right to be single AND a contributing member of society without the jeers, please.

UPDATE:

For the haters out there: No, this article does not mean that I do not want to be married. It just means I reserve the right not to want to. It’s for all of us slightly ‘older’ girls, who have been harassed by ‘antis’ trying to set us up. Who have felt the shame of eating with the 13 year old girls at family gatherings (having been relegated to the children’s table) because we’re unmarried and can’t be included in the married-women conversations. Its for all the girls whose accomplishments in life amount to nought, just because they are unmarried. Because marriage is valued above all else.

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