Change

I have had a lot of change lately.

Some good.

Some bad.

Mostly good.

Sometimes, when you are in a rut, and you are really really sad, you just need to get up and change things.

It’s harder done than said. I know.

Trust me. I know.

I was in a really dark place a couple of months back.

I was really, really depressed.

I was recently reading some of the poetry I wrote at that time. And wow. It’s some scary stuff.

If and when I publish it here, I worry you guys might think that’s what I’m going through now…(I assume you care – :P)

I’m not.

I’m fine. Now. Alhamdulillah.

And the journey I have been through, makes this moment right here, right now, that much more precious.

I’m so scared of going back there.

But I know, that sometimes, depression just sneaks up on you.

*Shrug*

I might go back to that dark place. I might not.

But I shan’t let the fear of that stop me from living my happiness now ๐Ÿ™‚

Alhamdulillah I am home.

I’m in Kenya.

I’m in a new, beautiful relationship.

And I am happy.

Happier that I can remember myself being.

In a long, long while.

I laugh.

I smile.

I giggle.

I play.

I am …almost myself again.

So, any of you who are going through that horrible dark cloud of gloom and dooooom …

there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I made it.

So can you.

Pick yourself up right now.

Go to the doctors.

Go speak to a friend.

Go find a counsellor.

Google CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) There are LOTS of cool self-help stuff you can do online.

Get OUT OF YOUR RUT.

If something is causing you unhappiness? Well, change it!

Force yourself to speak to someone. Really. Really.

Really.

When you find yourself on the floor, sobbing, with your desire to live leaching out of your eyes, just….

…call somebody.

Please?

You need a hug.

I love y’all

Thanks for reading.

xo

Somebody

Do you ever feel like you are living somebody else’s life?

At best a parallel life?

I have always felt like I have multiple personalities.

And that in another life, I would be completely different.

But those other lives sometimes leach into this one and fill me with a longing.

A longing for piercings and leather and tattoos.

And sometimes a longing for a mountain to climb.

A longing for the quiet of buddhist temple.

And then the desire for a NYC socialites dreams.

Maybe these are all me.

And I have enough years left to live out all my different lives in THIS lifetime.

Sometimes, I believe that.

And then other times I look at the housing my soul has chosen in THIS life, and realise that even as we speak it is ageing.

If you could see the kaleidoscope images of your entire life played out to you at the END of your life, what would it look like?

What would you wish you had changed?

Wouldn’t it be great to have that kind of perspective now?

What specific moment would you realise was a pointless struggle against fate?

Would you laugh at your young self trying to make decisions and choices, yet picking the pre-destined one each time?

Struggling against the tides of fate.

Life is like a river that flows into the sea.

We all have a destination.

And along the way, the river takes on many forms.

It may be a sparkling mountain spring initially.

And then a little, trickling happy stream.

Or a crocodile infested deep river, tunnelling through a forest.

All eventually emptying into the great expanse of the sea.

Becoming one with all the water sources in the world.

And resuming the cycle.

What’s the point of struggling against such a cosmic destiny?

New York City

Low Self Esteem and Men Who Don’t Care

Men are intrinsically little boys.

Really they are.

What you heard about them on ‘Maury’ and ‘Oprah’ and all those day time talk shows. Its all true.

Fundamentally, they want to be told what to do, and what not to do.

And they need. NEED. Someone to lay the boundaries for them, and MAKE them stick to it.

Okay not all guys.

That would be generalising.

Which is not what we do here ๐Ÿ˜‰ right?

So SOME guys. ..like to be-little their significant others.

Its a trend.

Its a thing.

A thing I have noticed again and again.

So much so that I had to write about it!

I have had enough of advising my girlfriends on this annoying species of Man (read cockroach) that I felt it necessary to make sure the rest of you aren’t enduring the same kind of cockroach.

Now this kind of cockroach, tends to be an insecure mess.

He doesn’t show it.

Nooooooo.

He is an insecure macho mess.

He portrays a really strong front though.

He acts tough.

And is usually the boss of the relationship.

Nothing wrong with that so far.

Problem is, he has picked a strong woman.

ESPECIALLY since he is insecure and really a weakling at heart. He tends to seek out stronger women.

And then when he HAS said strong woman. He gets terrified he will lose her.

And he gets…

intimidated by her strength.

And overwhelmed by her independence.

And beauty.

And basically realises he is a cockroach that has managed to snag a princess somehow.

And he gets terrified.

TERRIFIED.

Terr- I – fied.

With a capital ‘T’

That he will lose her.

So he begins to break her down.

‘Princess is too good for me.

I know it.

She knows it.

All the other men she works and interacts with know it to.

Its only a matter of time until she leaves me.’

Cockroaches brain spins around and around and around.

‘The only way out is to make sure she doesn’t realise how good she is.

How strong she is.

How hot she is.

That way, that way….

She will never have the confidence to leave me.’

And the sabotage begins.

Cockroach undermines every decision you make.

Calls you ย a’pretty little thing’

Makes you feel like you can’t make a single decision in your life, to SAVE your life!

And then starts with breaking down your self esteem.

He starts by casually mentioning that maybe you should hit the gym.

Or on reaching for that second slice of pizza, he gives you a face. The ‘Maybe you shouldn’t do that’ face.

Or maybe, he asks you if your dress is too tight.

If he gets away with the so called ‘subtle’ hints, and sees your self esteem cracking before his eyes…

It escalates.

Now he feels brave enough to call you ‘fat’ to your face.

He may even throw in a few names.

‘Elephant’

Likens you to a popular Tv host.

Maybe calls you a ‘Chunky’

Ah ha! Since that stage of the plan is working, he continues in his resolve to secretly make you an emotional wreck.

‘You are too emotional!’

‘Only a woman would say that kind of nonsense’

Sigh.

Need I go on?

So many friends of mine seem to have boyfriends or husbands like this.

It is not a coincidence.

Its a pandemic.

Its a generation of men, who were bred to believe they wanted a strong woman.

However, they have never learnt how to treat or deal with a strong woman.

So while their heads tell them they want a strong woman, their neathanderal hormones kick in, and tell them that they need to break this woman down, because she is stronger than him.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his woman.

It also doesn’t mean he even realises what he is doing.

And I am not saying, by any means, to leave your husbands or boyfriends.

Just to recognise it for what it is.

And stop it in its tracks before it gets worse.

So the next time your boyfriend says you ought to go the gym…

Parry with a ‘Well your paunch is starting to look like it needs some work too’

Or maybe even call him up on it.

If he wants to call you fat. Let him say it to your face.

And ย then you can say you feel you are sexy and hot the way you are. And if he doesn’t like it, tough. Because he knew what package deal he was getting when he signed up for the relationship.

DO NOT let him get away with making you feel bad about yourself.

Shoot it down when it starts.

MAKE him see that that kind of crap will not fly.

You will NOT allow it.

You are too confident and strong a woman to LET him get under your skin and make you feel bad about yourself.

Now.

Not tomorrow.

Now.

Tomorrow, he may have escalated to buying your clothes. And telling you you are an an ‘ugly cow’

And that ladies. Is emotional abuse.

Don’t let him.

I can feel it coming

Sometimes I feel sad for no apparent reason

I feel so... meh

I’m afraid of what’s coming.

It’s not the apocalypse. Or the End Of Days.

It’s not even an alien invasion.

Nope.

Nothing fancy or dramatic.

Just ….

*Drum Rolls*

………….The………..

………………………..Big……………………..

…………………………………………………….Depression…………………….

*Ominous Music*

I try to make light of the matter.

But really. I’m terrified.

Some say humour is used to mask extreme emotion; A coping mechanism.

I say: Ermm…Why did the chicken cross the road?

๐Ÿ™‚

Ok, seriously.

I have spoken about my melancholic tendencies before. I come in and out of these….’blues’. Sometimes it’s not so bad. However sometimes, the blue becomes a deep, black.

The Deep Black, it’s not a very pretty place. It’s the place I’m most afraid of.

So, my breath catches.

Frozen in my throat.

My chest tightens.

Am I going to croak?

Will my blues ever stay away forever?

Will these days turn into grays?

Sigh. I gotta keep it together…

God willing, I will have smooth sailing through this stormy weather. I shall come out the other side, a little battle weary, but triumphant. Having successfully banished my demons to the recesses of my mind…once again.

๐Ÿ™‚

See you on the other side.

xo

Melancholy

Sometimes I feel like I’m the lone pilot in an empty sky. Flying aimlessly, listlessly towards space.

I battle with a melancholic nature. I don’t remember always being like this. I just woke up one day and realized there was always a grey tinge to every aspect of my life. Like a silver lining, but without the happy ending.

Such things are not discussed openly. Depression, and her deputy Loneliness are just not dinner conversation. Not even pillow talk, or ‘girl speak’. Its a topic that is still hush hush.

Most people, especially in more traditional communities – African, Arab, Indian – do not believe depression exists. Lol. They do not even have a word for it in their respective languages. It’s just well, ‘feeling moody,’ or ‘hormones’ Basically a transient feeling that will pass after Mummy dearest makes you you’re favorite soup.

Moreover, accepting that it exists, makes you’re loved ones feel resentful-is their love not good enough to keep you happy? Why are you not talking to them? Why are you closing yourself off?

Big up to 3CB who brought the issue to light by bravely highlighting her struggle with depression.

I am not depressed…at the moment.

I cannot however shake off this feeling that something grey, forboding, and evil lurks around every corner. I see darkness and shadows behind every smile, every sunny day.

Before I reach terrified for the happy pills, I want to question it. Interrogate these dark feelings until they have emptied their pockets of hidden agendas and evil machinations.

Am I feeling unfulfilled? Is my melancholy temporal ( a ‘bad’ time in my life) ? Psychological ? Genetic? Cultural? Astrological? Artistic? Evolutionary? Karmic? Hormonal? Dietary? Seasonal? Environmental?

Eeeek! So many factors contribute towards the complicated mesh that is the human psyche.

But I have decided to be a student of my own grey, lobulated mind.

Eat healthily. Go organic. Exercise. Take up a new hobby. Meet people. Pray. Pray and Pray. Meditate.

Maybe I’m slowly going loco.

Or maybe I’m just homesick…

Peace ๐Ÿ™‚

Fast Burn Relationships

Boom.

High passion is not for me. A slow burn, or a mellow indifference is my choice. Benzos over Coccaine.

What am I on about? Relationships ofcourse!

I’m talking about friendships, work relationships, ANY kind of interaction between two individuals.

The person who you’re attracted to most strongly – the one you have an uncontrollable gut reaction towards – is probably incredibly wrong for you. Either they are:

a) A photocopy of yourself. And therefore eventually, the mirror reflecting inadequacies in your personality every day becomes unbearable. The relationship eventually crashes and burns.

Or,

b) Your ‘soul mate‘. Maybe you really are ‘made’ for each other. In the same way nitrous oxide and oxygen are made for each other.ย  After a short sizzle, sparks of romance and excitement…Boom. The relationship explodes into smithereens.

You know the friendships where initially you are inseparable? You think you are soooooooooo in sync. You understand each other compeletely. You spend hours talking, deep into the night. You get on famously. Are constantly in each others pocket…..Well, won’t last. Can’t last.

My point: Intensity of that kind is not sustainable. And the relationship is therefore pre-destined to fail.

I prefer the slow burn kind of ‘-ships’. The ones where you gradually get to know each other. Slowly come to understand what makes the other person tick. Build up respect, and eventually love.

On the other hand, I may be wrong. See I draw from my not-so-deep well of experiences. In the big bad world out there, there are reports ofย  ‘instant clicking’ resulting in happy, long term marriages. (Click: The Magic of Instant Connections) Researchers talked to 1000 couples, and found that after 25 years of marriage, those with ‘instant click’ still had romantic thoughts about their partners and thought about them frequently throughout the day.

I, however ascribe to the other school of thought: The couples that fart together, stay together. Lol. The strong reaction you’re having, that ‘gut’ feeling, is probably the dodgy curry you ate last night. What I say is, before falling lock, stock and barrel for the business partner of you’re dreams….take a while to really get to know them before you sign any contracts.

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