Low Self Esteem and Men Who Don’t Care

Men are intrinsically little boys.

Really they are.

What you heard about them on ‘Maury’ and ‘Oprah’ and all those day time talk shows. Its all true.

Fundamentally, they want to be told what to do, and what not to do.

And they need. NEED. Someone to lay the boundaries for them, and MAKE them stick to it.

Okay not all guys.

That would be generalising.

Which is not what we do here 😉 right?

So SOME guys. ..like to be-little their significant others.

Its a trend.

Its a thing.

A thing I have noticed again and again.

So much so that I had to write about it!

I have had enough of advising my girlfriends on this annoying species of Man (read cockroach) that I felt it necessary to make sure the rest of you aren’t enduring the same kind of cockroach.

Now this kind of cockroach, tends to be an insecure mess.

He doesn’t show it.

Nooooooo.

He is an insecure macho mess.

He portrays a really strong front though.

He acts tough.

And is usually the boss of the relationship.

Nothing wrong with that so far.

Problem is, he has picked a strong woman.

ESPECIALLY since he is insecure and really a weakling at heart. He tends to seek out stronger women.

And then when he HAS said strong woman. He gets terrified he will lose her.

And he gets…

intimidated by her strength.

And overwhelmed by her independence.

And beauty.

And basically realises he is a cockroach that has managed to snag a princess somehow.

And he gets terrified.

TERRIFIED.

Terr- I – fied.

With a capital ‘T’

That he will lose her.

So he begins to break her down.

‘Princess is too good for me.

I know it.

She knows it.

All the other men she works and interacts with know it to.

Its only a matter of time until she leaves me.’

Cockroaches brain spins around and around and around.

‘The only way out is to make sure she doesn’t realise how good she is.

How strong she is.

How hot she is.

That way, that way….

She will never have the confidence to leave me.’

And the sabotage begins.

Cockroach undermines every decision you make.

Calls you  a’pretty little thing’

Makes you feel like you can’t make a single decision in your life, to SAVE your life!

And then starts with breaking down your self esteem.

He starts by casually mentioning that maybe you should hit the gym.

Or on reaching for that second slice of pizza, he gives you a face. The ‘Maybe you shouldn’t do that’ face.

Or maybe, he asks you if your dress is too tight.

If he gets away with the so called ‘subtle’ hints, and sees your self esteem cracking before his eyes…

It escalates.

Now he feels brave enough to call you ‘fat’ to your face.

He may even throw in a few names.

‘Elephant’

Likens you to a popular Tv host.

Maybe calls you a ‘Chunky’

Ah ha! Since that stage of the plan is working, he continues in his resolve to secretly make you an emotional wreck.

‘You are too emotional!’

‘Only a woman would say that kind of nonsense’

Sigh.

Need I go on?

So many friends of mine seem to have boyfriends or husbands like this.

It is not a coincidence.

Its a pandemic.

Its a generation of men, who were bred to believe they wanted a strong woman.

However, they have never learnt how to treat or deal with a strong woman.

So while their heads tell them they want a strong woman, their neathanderal hormones kick in, and tell them that they need to break this woman down, because she is stronger than him.

Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his woman.

It also doesn’t mean he even realises what he is doing.

And I am not saying, by any means, to leave your husbands or boyfriends.

Just to recognise it for what it is.

And stop it in its tracks before it gets worse.

So the next time your boyfriend says you ought to go the gym…

Parry with a ‘Well your paunch is starting to look like it needs some work too’

Or maybe even call him up on it.

If he wants to call you fat. Let him say it to your face.

And  then you can say you feel you are sexy and hot the way you are. And if he doesn’t like it, tough. Because he knew what package deal he was getting when he signed up for the relationship.

DO NOT let him get away with making you feel bad about yourself.

Shoot it down when it starts.

MAKE him see that that kind of crap will not fly.

You will NOT allow it.

You are too confident and strong a woman to LET him get under your skin and make you feel bad about yourself.

Now.

Not tomorrow.

Now.

Tomorrow, he may have escalated to buying your clothes. And telling you you are an an ‘ugly cow’

And that ladies. Is emotional abuse.

Don’t let him.

Love And Other Things

Author: Bagande

love

How about that?

I think I am afflicted.

I am an unrelenting, miserable romantic.

And for the life of me, I do not know how I got here.

In my head, I am a cynical, independent feminist. Who doesn’t need any man to complete her.

In reality,  I love a mushy romance novel, a cheesy chick flick, and I dream of falling hopelessly in love…exactly like how it happens in the movies.

I want the cheesy soundtrack and the prince charming. The steamy first kiss and most importantly, the happy ending.

But life is rarely ever like that.

And if your life IS like that..well. Shooooo! Yes! I am shoo-ing you off my blog. You have no place here, o’ person with perfect life. I am here to vent and say that romance is dead, and love does not truly exist. SOOOO before you contradict me, and then I subsequently bite your head off with venomous jealousy…ermmm….kindly press the esc key and be gone 🙂 Hurry along. Yes, good. Now then.

Where was I?

Yes, Love is poo.

Really, it is,

Its this horrible thing, that makes you feel good for a while, gets you hooked, makes you severely confused, and then up and leaves.

Leaving you horribly bereft and worse off than before!

Okay, okay I know, most of you will be saying by now that I’m contradicting myself.

Yes, I said love doesn’t exist. And now, I’m moaning about it.

What I really meant was that REAL love. Romantic love. Movie love. Love love. Yes, that one! Its not real.

Tell me one person, who fell magically in love (ahem, ‘in lust’ more like) at first sight, and their marriage lasted 70 years?

Yea.

You can’t find one.

I on the other hand, met this lovely 92 year old lady. Whose marriage HAS lasted 70 years. And her story had nothing to do with romantic movie love. It was war – time and she did ‘what was expected of a young lady.’ Nonetheless…she is as happy as a peach. Although probably just as wrinkled as a peach too. She was lovely. And she held my hand and told me of a long, and fulfilled life. With many children, and many laughs.

Life isn’t really in technicolour.

Its a splodge of colour here. A splash of laughs there. A collection of moments and half-whispered promises. Hold on to those moments. Enjoy them. Revel in them. Wash your face with them. THIS is your life. Not that one in the little box you watch.

* Disclaimer: This was written when I was feeling throughly disillusioned with ‘love’  I am currently still a hopeless, hapless romantic 😀 *

Cyber Cheating

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Cheater Cheater Cheater

We all do it.

Admit it! Admit it! No use denying.

OK, let me elaborate.

You are in a steady relationship. Maybe you are even married. You are committed to your partner. You would NEVER ever dream of cheating. You never have.

But…

You discover the internet. And with it, Facebook, Twitter, other social networking sites, blogging, etc etc.

You discover …’Cyber-you’.

Cyber-you is very different from your normal self.

Cyber-you is chatty, funny, flirty even.

With enough time to think of responses to comments, and posts, you may even be called witty, engaging, charming.

Your usual tongue-tied, quiet or serious persona disappears once the computer screen lights up.

You start to put up pictures, re-connect with long-lost friends (even nursery school ones – c’mon!)

And, Lo and behold, people start commenting on your pictures!

‘Cute pic’

‘You look hot’

‘Nice shirt’

Cute?Hot??Sexy??? You????

Cyber-you is smug in response to these compliments. Did I mention Cyber-you is egotistical and narcissistic? No? Oh, just take a look at the many self-shots in Cyber-you’s profile pics.

Buoyed by the encouragement and lavish praise from Slutty-loners, Cyber-you thrives.

Meanwhile, you and your significant other are doing well. The relationship is flourishing. Your partner notices you are not clingy anymore. You don’t seem to need constant affirmation and attention. You seem more confident. This is attractive to your partner, and she sees it as a sign of your relationship deepening and maturing.

Little does she know…

In fact, one of the members of the slutty loners club is actually kinda hot…

Her comments get more frequent.

She puts up a few racy pics.

Sends you a couple of steamy but PG rated messages. Testing the waters..

‘Thinking of you…’

‘Wish you were here…’

And that’s how it starts.

Innocent flirtation…or so it seems.

Never cheat if your husband can fly woman!

Take another look. Are you cyber cheating?

The Inbetweener

third wheel

Two’s company, three’s a crowd.

Any one heard of that saying? Well, it can’t be truer than the situation I’m in.

You know when you are the best friend of someone who is in a relationship-and you are always the shoulder to cry on? The fire extinguisher. The friend that helps.

You might unfortunately also be the friend of BOTH parties. And you are constantly running between the two, trying to put out fires and lend  a supportive ear, a shoulder …..a kidney even!?

Sigh.

It can be draining.

It can also be friendship destroying.

Say you give the wrong advice: ‘Break up with the loser!’ , and your BFF blames you for it?

What if, you mistakenly reveal an intimacy to the other party? What if you inflame things unknowingly?

Basically, if you are the third wheel, you are always on edge. Sitting on hot coals. Praying not to slip up. It feels like YOU are the one in the bad relationship!

And when things finally go Ka-Pow! guess who has to choose sides?

Fast Burn Relationships

Boom.

High passion is not for me. A slow burn, or a mellow indifference is my choice. Benzos over Coccaine.

What am I on about? Relationships ofcourse!

I’m talking about friendships, work relationships, ANY kind of interaction between two individuals.

The person who you’re attracted to most strongly – the one you have an uncontrollable gut reaction towards – is probably incredibly wrong for you. Either they are:

a) A photocopy of yourself. And therefore eventually, the mirror reflecting inadequacies in your personality every day becomes unbearable. The relationship eventually crashes and burns.

Or,

b) Your ‘soul mate‘. Maybe you really are ‘made’ for each other. In the same way nitrous oxide and oxygen are made for each other.  After a short sizzle, sparks of romance and excitement…Boom. The relationship explodes into smithereens.

You know the friendships where initially you are inseparable? You think you are soooooooooo in sync. You understand each other compeletely. You spend hours talking, deep into the night. You get on famously. Are constantly in each others pocket…..Well, won’t last. Can’t last.

My point: Intensity of that kind is not sustainable. And the relationship is therefore pre-destined to fail.

I prefer the slow burn kind of ‘-ships’. The ones where you gradually get to know each other. Slowly come to understand what makes the other person tick. Build up respect, and eventually love.

On the other hand, I may be wrong. See I draw from my not-so-deep well of experiences. In the big bad world out there, there are reports of  ‘instant clicking’ resulting in happy, long term marriages. (Click: The Magic of Instant Connections) Researchers talked to 1000 couples, and found that after 25 years of marriage, those with ‘instant click’ still had romantic thoughts about their partners and thought about them frequently throughout the day.

I, however ascribe to the other school of thought: The couples that fart together, stay together. Lol. The strong reaction you’re having, that ‘gut’ feeling, is probably the dodgy curry you ate last night. What I say is, before falling lock, stock and barrel for the business partner of you’re dreams….take a while to really get to know them before you sign any contracts.

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