Is it me?
It must be.
For he always walks away
Especially after I’ve pushed him far
Have you ever thought how much you are worth?
If you had to lay out your best attributes and features one by one.
How much do you think you would be worth?
Not monetary wise – but your worth.
Would you be a catch?
If so, what makes you think you ARE a catch?
What positive attributes do you think garner more value?
I was thinking about the past.
And how a certain ex, could have been considered by many as a very appealing or, if you will, worthy package.
However, it meant naught to me.
It was like having a massive, juicy burger in your hands.
Yet, you are craving a pizza.
No matter how nice that burger is. You just don’t feel like it.
You want a pizza!
But one persons pizza….is another persons burger.
I am beginning to talk in circles and metaphors – eek!
My point is… (yes, there was a point after all. Honest! ;-))…. we all have somebody out there for us.
Because our exact packaging, though not so weighty to some – may be incredibly valuable to others.
So ‘Excellent cook, listener, calm and quiet ‘ could be exactly what someone is looking for.
Whilst ‘ Noisy, adventurous, humorous and loves to travel’ could be somebody else’s dream husband.
Don’t sell yourself short.
You are worthy.
It’s all about a good sales pitch! 😉
Get stuck. Stay in one place your whole life. Always order vanilla even though the menu is four pages long. Become the type of person who sends back lattes. Save up your money for a plasma TV instead of a plane ticket. Talk a lot about things you know nothing about. Have an affair with someone you don’t even find attractive.
Refuse to forget your ex. Make it impossible for yourself to do anything without remembering that you used to do it with them. Hug your knees under the sheets and think about how safe you felt when they held you at night. Remind yourself daily of how empty you feel. Find new ways to make yourself sad.
Get drunk all the time. Consider no Saturday night, national holiday or extended happy hour complete without a vodka-induced breakdown. Graduate college but keep drinking like you’re still in it. Notice that cheap beer tastes watery and stale when you drink it alone but drink it anyway. Look at old Facebook photos wasted and wonder where everyone went.
Never drink. Never do anything that could potentially be “bad” for you. Treat your body like the temple it is and say no to carbs, yes to wheatgrass, go to bed at ten sharp and turn down cake on your birthday. Take fifteen different dietary supplements. Monitor carefully. Succumb to nothing. Miss out on everything.
Compare yourself constantly, to everyone. Allow the standards of image-obsessed, age-obsessed culture to make you feel decrepit at 25. Scroll through skinny girls on Tumblr feeling wistful and inadequate. Pull at the skin on your hipbones, stomach, and underarms in the mirror. Sigh a lot. Sigh all the time.
Don’t fall in love with anyone or anything. Put an impenetrable wall between yourself and other people. Add a fire-breathing dragon and eight yards of barbed wire. Be suspicious of everyone’s motives. Hold grudges long after you’ve forgotten what for.
Fall in love with everyone and everything. Run after the next best thing like it’s a bus you’re perpetually late for. Throw your heart into every other stranger’s hands and be genuinely surprised to be hurt. Refuse to learn. Refuse to ever learn.
Men are intrinsically little boys.
Really they are.
What you heard about them on ‘Maury’ and ‘Oprah’ and all those day time talk shows. Its all true.
Fundamentally, they want to be told what to do, and what not to do.
And they need. NEED. Someone to lay the boundaries for them, and MAKE them stick to it.
Okay not all guys.
That would be generalising.
Which is not what we do here 😉 right?
So SOME guys. ..like to be-little their significant others.
Its a trend.
Its a thing.
A thing I have noticed again and again.
So much so that I had to write about it!
I have had enough of advising my girlfriends on this annoying species of Man (read cockroach) that I felt it necessary to make sure the rest of you aren’t enduring the same kind of cockroach.
Now this kind of cockroach, tends to be an insecure mess.
He doesn’t show it.
He is an insecure macho mess.
He portrays a really strong front though.
He acts tough.
And is usually the boss of the relationship.
Nothing wrong with that so far.
Problem is, he has picked a strong woman.
ESPECIALLY since he is insecure and really a weakling at heart. He tends to seek out stronger women.
And then when he HAS said strong woman. He gets terrified he will lose her.
And he gets…
intimidated by her strength.
And overwhelmed by her independence.
And basically realises he is a cockroach that has managed to snag a princess somehow.
And he gets terrified.
Terr- I – fied.
With a capital ‘T’
That he will lose her.
So he begins to break her down.
‘Princess is too good for me.
I know it.
She knows it.
All the other men she works and interacts with know it to.
Its only a matter of time until she leaves me.’
Cockroaches brain spins around and around and around.
‘The only way out is to make sure she doesn’t realise how good she is.
How strong she is.
How hot she is.
That way, that way….
She will never have the confidence to leave me.’
And the sabotage begins.
Cockroach undermines every decision you make.
Calls you a’pretty little thing’
Makes you feel like you can’t make a single decision in your life, to SAVE your life!
And then starts with breaking down your self esteem.
He starts by casually mentioning that maybe you should hit the gym.
Or on reaching for that second slice of pizza, he gives you a face. The ‘Maybe you shouldn’t do that’ face.
Or maybe, he asks you if your dress is too tight.
If he gets away with the so called ‘subtle’ hints, and sees your self esteem cracking before his eyes…
Now he feels brave enough to call you ‘fat’ to your face.
He may even throw in a few names.
Likens you to a popular Tv host.
Maybe calls you a ‘Chunky’
Ah ha! Since that stage of the plan is working, he continues in his resolve to secretly make you an emotional wreck.
‘You are too emotional!’
‘Only a woman would say that kind of nonsense’
Need I go on?
So many friends of mine seem to have boyfriends or husbands like this.
It is not a coincidence.
Its a pandemic.
Its a generation of men, who were bred to believe they wanted a strong woman.
However, they have never learnt how to treat or deal with a strong woman.
So while their heads tell them they want a strong woman, their neathanderal hormones kick in, and tell them that they need to break this woman down, because she is stronger than him.
Doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his woman.
It also doesn’t mean he even realises what he is doing.
And I am not saying, by any means, to leave your husbands or boyfriends.
Just to recognise it for what it is.
And stop it in its tracks before it gets worse.
So the next time your boyfriend says you ought to go the gym…
Parry with a ‘Well your paunch is starting to look like it needs some work too’
Or maybe even call him up on it.
If he wants to call you fat. Let him say it to your face.
And then you can say you feel you are sexy and hot the way you are. And if he doesn’t like it, tough. Because he knew what package deal he was getting when he signed up for the relationship.
DO NOT let him get away with making you feel bad about yourself.
Shoot it down when it starts.
MAKE him see that that kind of crap will not fly.
You will NOT allow it.
You are too confident and strong a woman to LET him get under your skin and make you feel bad about yourself.
Tomorrow, he may have escalated to buying your clothes. And telling you you are an an ‘ugly cow’
And that ladies. Is emotional abuse.
Don’t let him.
I never knew how difficult it was for muslim men to actually find a wife.
Until my cousin started looking 😉
Its not that simple.
When we are on the other side (the girl side) we sit there, hands folded, saying: ‘Where are all the good muslim men at??’
Unbeknownst to us, the men are doing the same thing!
They are complaining to their mothers and sisters and aunties, that it is difficult to find a good muslim girl to marry. Really.
This whole new modern age has thrown us for a loop.
Long gone is the age of aunties and grandmas recommending beautiful girls, and successful boys and making perfect matches.
Nowadays, people travel to study all across the globe. Girls are working in America, London, Australia. Equally perfectly eligible boys are trapped in an office in Dubai, Boston, Dallas.
We have lost the old fashioned ways of traditional arranged marriages.
So what replaces it?
That is the big question.
Do we date?
Do we meet guys on Facebook?
Do we join online Muslim dating sites and put up our ‘Bio Data?’ (said with the perfunctory Indian head nod. Lol)
Do we ask our sisters and aunties to look around for us and recommend someone appropriate?
And then what happens when you DO get a recommendation? What then??????
What are the rules of engagement?
Does he come and propose straight away?
Or can we chat for a bit on Skype and whatsapp?
Should I tell my mum immediately someone is interested in marrying me? What happens if it doesn’t work out?
Complicated I tell you.
Having been through the system myself….I can tell you. Its complicated.
I can only say:
Be open. Be honest. Pray to Allah.
Do not underestimate the power of prayer.
Allah wants us to pray to him.
Ask him, and he will answer.
My aunty told me a story of a guy who used to pray to Allah for a wife. He initially started by saying Allah, please let her be the one who is Kheir (good) for me. But also, he added a list of specifications. Green eyes, long hair, nice in character, religious..etc etc. He had an incredibly detailed list of specifics. However which each specification, he kept praying that above all, and most important may she be kheir for him.
When his family recommended a girl for him, and he met and married her, he was amazed. It was as though a girl was actually made to his exact specifications especially for him. She had all the features he had asked for and more. And Allah put between them a great love.
Do not underestimate the power of prayer.
Pray to Allah.
Also ask him to bring you closer to the person who is good for you. Kheir for you.
And secondly, be open minded.
He isn’t tall and muscular? Don’t dismiss him off the bat. Be open to considering him. Maybe he has other features you will love?
He doesn’t have the best job in the world (you wanted a Neurosurgeon like McDreamy in Greys)…well, just give him a chance. Maybe once you two are together, Allah will open doors you did not expect,and he will end up being richer and more respected than a Neurosurgeon.
Sometimes, I wish I could start a real system connecting people.
I know so many gorgeous, perfectly lovely men wanting to get married.
And so many gorgeous, perfectly lovely girls also wanting to settle down.
Now all I need to do is dust of my matchmaking skills and get to work ;p
I am accepting applications. Lol.
Also, I am still waiting for my Prince Charming, with hazel eyes and a 6 pack …;) But OVERALL, may he be kheir for me 😉 hehe.
So nowadays people seem to have such a modern take on relationships.
A good friend of mine just told me about how he definitely wants a wife to contribute to the running of the house and their lives.
Well that in and of itself is not a bad thing.
But the fact that he listed that as a requirement and was adamant that it was a necessity and a requirement of her. I had to protest.
Islamically, the roles in marriage are set out very clearly.
The man is the provider. It is his Wajib (compulsory) responsibility to provide for his wife and children.
The wive’s Wajib responsibility is to take care of the home, her husband and her children.
If the two decide, amongst each other, to help the other out, and blur the clear roles…that is due to the Iman and love that Allah has put between them.
Okay let me make myself more clear.
A husband is required to take care of his wife completely. Even if she works, whatever money she makes is hers and hers alone. She has no obligation to pay electricity bills or buy a fridge or even milk and bread.
IF she decides she wants to help her husband and her children and work as a team, that is entirely up to her. And she will do that out of Iman and love.
In the same vein, the husbands role is to provide. Not to look after the children and change diapers. IF however he decides to help feed the baby because his wife was up all night with the child, then that is from his Iman and love.
The clear roles are defined so that there is no miscommunication. No ill feelings. No resentment.
If one decides to go above and beyond those roles, it is looked on favourably by the other spouse and acknowledged as the him/her having made an extra effort.
For example, if I work and with my money, I pay the bills, and the mortgage. I want my husband to acknowledge that I am helping him. And that I am a good wife, doing this out of love.
In the same vein, if he does the laundry and the dishes and feeds the baby, I will be grateful, and acknowledge that he is a wonderful husband.
I will not thank him every single day he goes to work to provide for his family, in the same way he will not have to thank me each time I change a nappy and for having given birth to our child. It is our respective duties and what is expected.
I don’t know if I am being clear enough.
I want an Islamic Marriage. With all its trappings.
I want a husband like Rasulullah (S.A.W) who would help out around the house and darn his own clothes.
I want to be a wife like bibi Khadija (R.A) who was independent and worked, and initially supported her husband when it was necessary.
People may call that modern? I call it an Islamic Marriage.
I will not bend to todays popular version of what is acceptable or a la mode or fashionable in a marriage.
Today, it is feminist rights, and being exactly EQUAL to a man.
Tomorrow, women may be screaming its actually their right to be taken care of by the man when they are pregnant and not HAVE to work or contribute.
Popular opinion, and societies view of what is popular and acceptable in relationships will change. It changes all the time.
This whole feminist approach is tres new. A few decades ago, it wasn’t there. And a few decades later, it may be scrapped and people may start a hue and cry about something else.
Just because it is popular, doesn’t mean its The Definitive Truth and what I have to want/follow.
Islam is timeless.
Regardless of what is a la mode.
So for now, I choose an Islamic Marriage.
Please lets stop getting caught up with what we see in movies, and what we are brainwashed to believe relationships and marriages are about.
Unless you want multiple affairs, mistresses, divorces within days (a la Kim Kardashian)….then you can go ahead and follow your latest ROMCOM movie for relationship advice.
Otherwise, I would recommend you choose for yourself which kind of relationship you want.
And go back to Islamic principles.
May Allah give me, and all others the right kind of partner, ambaye ana kheri na mimi (who is Kheir for me)
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I was braver.
I wish I was louder.
I wish I took up more space.
I wish I didn’t envy her for what I am not.
Women keep complaining to me about unhappy marriages.
I am tired.
I am an unmarried young Muslim girl. Who still has rosy ideas about marriage and romance.
But every one of my friends, or aunties, or acquaintances feels the need to tell me the intimate, horrid details of their failed or failing marriages.
I honestly, do not invite these disclosures.
Yes, I like to help. And I will offer a sympathetic ear.
And yes, I love my friends and will help them as much as I can, when they come to me with their problems.
But really though, its scaring me about marriage!!!
Also, what do I know? Im not married myself! What qualifies me to advise them?
Abusive relationships, cheating husbands, second wives, miserly husbands, intimacy issues….are just a FEW of the issues I have been trying to ‘help’ with.
Inshallah I will continue to do as best as I can to listen (because above all this is what people need most) And Allah has given me this opportunity to do some good, and help in whichever way I can.
But …*sob*….its putting the fear of God in me regarding marriage.
My mum says everyone’s luck is different.
And honestly, in my head, I accept the truth of that statement.
In reality though, I am worried, worried, worried.
And I have even found myself thinking, well marriage is not COMPULSORY in Islam.
Its half of the Deen, yes.
And well, it can be kind of awesome to have a partner in your life.
But its not the end all and be all.
Let me have Subra. And what will be will be.
May Allah help my friends and family, and all those undergoing marriage difficulties. Give them subra and improve the relationship between those husbands and wives.
*Okay I’m done ranting now* Lol.
I’m always planning my wedding.
When I see a beautiful beach.
Or a beautiful dress in a magazine.
Or a lovely hairstyle.
I love watching wedding shows!
I’m addicted. Any kind of wedding shows. Cheesy ones, American ones, horrible British ones.
I love looking at other people’s wedding pictures. (Facebook = a gold mine! Lol.)
‘Oh that colour combination is nice’
‘I would never wear that dress with those arms!’
‘Bad choice of shoes’
I don’t just enjoy it. I revel in it. Its my favorite pass time.
I read wedding blogs (whatjunebugloves is a good one)
I attend wedding shows.
I must admit the one thing I haven’t yet done is buy wedding magazines. I refuse to actually spend money on this insane obsession. (Yes, I am aware that it is insane. LOL)
I have this belief that when I start spending money on a wedding I don’t actually have, then I have officially gone over the edge.
Until then, I only read the wedding magazines at the salon. Or at the Doctor’s office. Lol.
What is it about weddings?
Is it the idea of romance? Of love?
Is it the idea of being the centre of attention?
Being the most beautiful person in the room?
Having the people you love the most surround you and wish you well?
Being able to commit yourself to the person you love forever and ever?
In a unique way that represents both of your personalities and cultures?
Is it the bringing together of many generations? Grandchildren and aunties. Sisters and cousins.
Or is it the excitement of planning and fun associated with it?
Or maybe…………..it’s ALL OF THAT?
WEDDINGS ARE AMAZING!!
I love love love weddings!
I don’t know if I want a destination wedding. Or a traditional wedding. Or a home spun wedding?
Maybe I’ll have it on a beach. Or a beautiful Grecian hall. Or in the garden behind our house.
So many options! So many options!!
* Deep breath *
* Composes self *
The fact that I don’t have a groom as yet…
I don’t mind though.
I spend many, happy hours browsing and criticizing other people’s weddings.
Some people have shopping or sports.
I have Weddings.
* Off to browse Junebug Weddings *
When your life starts looking like a scene from a movie…..
Run as far and as fast as you can from that situation.
Ok, in all seriousness.
Dramaholics – mwajijua! (You know yourselves)
The guy who smashes all the plates in your house when he gets angry? Na bado you are with him?
The guy who is so jealous he vets all your facebook friends? (‘No, that one is too handsome. Delete!’)
The girlfriend who shrieks at you like a banshee because you forgot your 10th month anniversary.
To varying degrees, drama excites us.
We thrive on it.
It’s what makes for good T.V and good movies.
But in real life, well.
Its a different story.
Because none of those dramatics actually end well.
The smashing of plates will escalate into smashing your face in.
The jealous boyfriend will start stalking you, or he will smash handsome-facebook-friend’s teeth in.
The clingy girlfriend will…..drive you insane.
Drama is what makes life fun.
But too much of it as with anything can be…well, too much.
I had a boyfriend with whom I never, ever had fights with.
He was always cool as a the ocean’s breeze.
To my insanity, he would just smile affably, and let my anger deflate.
It drove me nuts.
I wanted drama! Arguments. Plate smashing. Passion.
We think we know what we want. But it is seldom good for us.
What you see in the movies….is not real.
Rihanna and her issues (Love the way You Lie) should not be defining how people see relationships.
A stable, healthy relationship doesn’t have smashed plates in it. Or for that matter, burning houses.
Happy Martin Luther King Day y’all