Change

I have had a lot of change lately.

Some good.

Some bad.

Mostly good.

Sometimes, when you are in a rut, and you are really really sad, you just need to get up and change things.

It’s harder done than said. I know.

Trust me. I know.

I was in a really dark place a couple of months back.

I was really, really depressed.

I was recently reading some of the poetry I wrote at that time. And wow. It’s some scary stuff.

If and when I publish it here, I worry you guys might think that’s what I’m going through now…(I assume you care – :P)

I’m not.

I’m fine. Now. Alhamdulillah.

And the journey I have been through, makes this moment right here, right now, that much more precious.

I’m so scared of going back there.

But I know, that sometimes, depression just sneaks up on you.

*Shrug*

I might go back to that dark place. I might not.

But I shan’t let the fear of that stop me from living my happiness now 🙂

Alhamdulillah I am home.

I’m in Kenya.

I’m in a new, beautiful relationship.

And I am happy.

Happier that I can remember myself being.

In a long, long while.

I laugh.

I smile.

I giggle.

I play.

I am …almost myself again.

So, any of you who are going through that horrible dark cloud of gloom and dooooom …

there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.

I made it.

So can you.

Pick yourself up right now.

Go to the doctors.

Go speak to a friend.

Go find a counsellor.

Google CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) There are LOTS of cool self-help stuff you can do online.

Get OUT OF YOUR RUT.

If something is causing you unhappiness? Well, change it!

Force yourself to speak to someone. Really. Really.

Really.

When you find yourself on the floor, sobbing, with your desire to live leaching out of your eyes, just….

…call somebody.

Please?

You need a hug.

I love y’all

Thanks for reading.

xo

Advertisements

Life, Oh Life…

New Year's Resolution - Day 1

Image by Cath in Dorset via Flickr

Introspection is a fast track route to insanity.

Yet, a life unexamined…..

In the act of recording  an introspective journey into my mind here, I hope to lay in stone my resolutions for the future.

Not New Year’s resolutions, as, it is evident it is now February.

But my Life’s Resolutions.

My dreams and goals.

To be edited, amended, added to, and thrown to the wind, as the situation deems fit.

Not at the come and go of a capricious new year.

Anyhowzawatsit.

Here we go.

My Faults:

1. I am selfish

Earth-shatteringly so. I live for myself. I work for myself. I act for myself. Myself. Myself. Myself.

Plan: I will undertake un-selfish acts. At the very least, ONE a day.

2. I am lazy

Again. Earth-shatteringly so. I LOOOVE to veg out in front of a the T.V screen.

Plan: Join the gym

3. I am shy

Painfully shy. I prefer my company to others. Not only because I’m witty, and funny, and kind….LOL. Mainly because I’m a bit of a loner.

Plan: Smile a little more…to everyone (baby steps)

4. I have lapsed in my faith

Understandably. When faced with trials, one either becomes increasingly devout, leaning on God for strength and love. OR. One shuns the light. And walks (or falls) head first into the darkness. I have had a trying year.

Plan: Prayer (Even though insincere at first, the act in itself shall hopefully bring me closer)

5. I let others walk all over me

This ties in with number 3.

Plan: Humility begets kindness. This is a battle I choose to let God fight for me.

With every bad, I am sure there are 10 good elements within ourselves.

And on that note, I hope to match every negative comment about myself, with two good ones. For the purpose of introspection is self-improvement. And not a spiral into self-loathing.

As a consequence of No. 1 (scroll up) I shall not record those 10 positive attributes here. But I have written them down. And if you are so inclined, I urge you to do the same.

If only to make you smile. And possibly to make you realize, your time on earth hasn’t been such a waste of oxygen after all.

Take a moment.

Take a journey.

Your mind can be a treacherous place.

I recommend body armour.

🙂

Salaams.

This Is The Last Time

A cranberry muffin

Yumm...

How many of us have said that?

‘This is the last time …’

We all love issuing ultimatums.

To ourselves.

To our lovers.

To our family.

This is the last time…. I go on a weekend booze bender.’

‘This is the last time…. I pig out on muffins and pizza.’

‘This is the last time…. I will let him hit me.’

‘This is the last time…. you are going to cheat on me…’

‘Next time…next time I’m leaving.’

Sorry, but if you din’t leave the first time…you probably aren’t as good as your word.

When emotions/circumstances/situations come into play, you find yourself making excuses.

‘He didn’t really mean to hit me. He was just angry.’

‘He didn’t really want to cheat. That b**** tempted him.’

‘I will change. I will definitely stick to this diet.’

‘He will change. He will finally stop sticking his stick in every hole and commit to me.’

People don’t change.

Stop issuing ultimatums.

Just act already.

Leave that player.

Drop that muffin.

Go out and get a man who will cherish you.

…………….Emm…….what you still waiting for?

Ah I see………

Next time?

Fast Burn Relationships

Boom.

High passion is not for me. A slow burn, or a mellow indifference is my choice. Benzos over Coccaine.

What am I on about? Relationships ofcourse!

I’m talking about friendships, work relationships, ANY kind of interaction between two individuals.

The person who you’re attracted to most strongly – the one you have an uncontrollable gut reaction towards – is probably incredibly wrong for you. Either they are:

a) A photocopy of yourself. And therefore eventually, the mirror reflecting inadequacies in your personality every day becomes unbearable. The relationship eventually crashes and burns.

Or,

b) Your ‘soul mate‘. Maybe you really are ‘made’ for each other. In the same way nitrous oxide and oxygen are made for each other.  After a short sizzle, sparks of romance and excitement…Boom. The relationship explodes into smithereens.

You know the friendships where initially you are inseparable? You think you are soooooooooo in sync. You understand each other compeletely. You spend hours talking, deep into the night. You get on famously. Are constantly in each others pocket…..Well, won’t last. Can’t last.

My point: Intensity of that kind is not sustainable. And the relationship is therefore pre-destined to fail.

I prefer the slow burn kind of ‘-ships’. The ones where you gradually get to know each other. Slowly come to understand what makes the other person tick. Build up respect, and eventually love.

On the other hand, I may be wrong. See I draw from my not-so-deep well of experiences. In the big bad world out there, there are reports of  ‘instant clicking’ resulting in happy, long term marriages. (Click: The Magic of Instant Connections) Researchers talked to 1000 couples, and found that after 25 years of marriage, those with ‘instant click’ still had romantic thoughts about their partners and thought about them frequently throughout the day.

I, however ascribe to the other school of thought: The couples that fart together, stay together. Lol. The strong reaction you’re having, that ‘gut’ feeling, is probably the dodgy curry you ate last night. What I say is, before falling lock, stock and barrel for the business partner of you’re dreams….take a while to really get to know them before you sign any contracts.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.