How To Ruin Your Life by Road Movies

 

Get stuck. Stay in one place your whole life. Always order vanilla even though the menu is four pages long. Become the type of person who sends back lattes. Save up your money for a plasma TV instead of a plane ticket. Talk a lot about things you know nothing about. Have an affair with someone you don’t even find attractive.

Refuse to forget your ex. Make it impossible for yourself to do anything without remembering that you used to do it with them. Hug your knees under the sheets and think about how safe you felt when they held you at night. Remind yourself daily of how empty you feel. Find new ways to make yourself sad.

Get drunk all the time. Consider no Saturday night, national holiday or extended happy hour complete without a vodka-induced breakdown. Graduate college but keep drinking like you’re still in it. Notice that cheap beer tastes watery and stale when you drink it alone but drink it anyway. Look at old Facebook photos wasted and wonder where everyone went.

Never drink. Never do anything that could potentially be “bad” for you. Treat your body like the temple it is and say no to carbs, yes to wheatgrass, go to bed at ten sharp and turn down cake on your birthday. Take fifteen different dietary supplements. Monitor carefully. Succumb to nothing. Miss out on everything.

Compare yourself constantly, to everyone. Allow the standards of image-obsessed, age-obsessed culture to make you feel decrepit at 25. Scroll through skinny girls on Tumblr feeling wistful and inadequate. Pull at the skin on your hipbones, stomach, and underarms in the mirror. Sigh a lot. Sigh all the time.

Don’t fall in love with anyone or anything. Put an impenetrable wall between yourself and other people. Add a fire-breathing dragon and eight yards of barbed wire. Be suspicious of everyone’s motives. Hold grudges long after you’ve forgotten what for.

Fall in love with everyone and everything. Run after the next best thing like it’s a bus you’re perpetually late for. Throw your heart into every other stranger’s hands and be genuinely surprised to be hurt. Refuse to learn. Refuse to ever learn.

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Beef On Twitter

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image via CrunchBase

I am upset.

Deeply upset.

My significant other has decided it is his prerogative to post our personal issues on facebook.

He hates it when I write on this blog about my OWN personal issues.

Let alone OUR personal issues.

So the fact that he felt the need to dedicate a status about marriage and weddings and the cost of these things while negatively referencing myself….

*Fumes*

So, my dear.

If you are reading. All. Bets. Are. Off.

……………..Social media is the devil.

For relationships.

For friendships.

For all kinds of -ships.

It is the poison that feeds the evil monster within.

It feeds the little, scar-faced, disfigured nasty monster who represents all the negative facets of our personalities.

The Jealous You.

The Mdaku (nosy) You.

The Covetous You.

The Lonely You.

The Spiteful You.

Social Media (Twitter, facebook, etc ) allow for these elements of yourself to roam freely through other people’s pages.

You can deposit comments and tweets on other people’s lives, like little ticking time bombs.

Leave them sitting there. Like a steaming turd on someone’s doorstep.

At the click of a button. Boom!

I recently read an article which said that Facebook is increasingly being quoted as a reason for divorce in court proceedings.

It is also being quoted as the cause for marital problems in marriage counselling.

I read yet another article about how a woman created a fake profile to seduce her husband and see if he would cheat. He did.

Now, I’m not trying to give you guys ideas on how to catch a cheating spouse.

I’m just saying. People do some strange things on Social Media sites.

I have always used it to keep in touch with friends and family.

Never displaying too much personal info.

Most of my pictures are restricted.

A lot of what I post is via direct messages.

I try not to let my personal business become everyone’s business.

I HATE HATE HATE the ‘in a relationship’ option.

I HATE HATE HATE people who make up and break up on facebook.

I HATE HATE HATE lovey dovey couples whose tongues are basically down each other’s throats on facebook statuses and comments.

Get a ROOM!

And now, the fact that MY business has just been made so public.

The fact that I have stooped so low and actually responded.

The fact that I have now become what I despise….

SMDH.

A sign of the times people.

I have gone over to the dark side.

From now on:

All.

Bets.

Are.

Off.

That is all.

Update:

Instead of responding to the beef online, I sent my boo a text instead.

He apologized and took down the offending facebook status immediately.

@Bugz79 told me that: ‘The other party resorts to social media vents if they don’t feel heard. Communicate.’

I could not ignore the truth in that statement.

‘Communicate.’

Sounds easy right? 🙂

Let’s give it a go then…:-p

Cyber Cheating

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Cheater Cheater Cheater

We all do it.

Admit it! Admit it! No use denying.

OK, let me elaborate.

You are in a steady relationship. Maybe you are even married. You are committed to your partner. You would NEVER ever dream of cheating. You never have.

But…

You discover the internet. And with it, Facebook, Twitter, other social networking sites, blogging, etc etc.

You discover …’Cyber-you’.

Cyber-you is very different from your normal self.

Cyber-you is chatty, funny, flirty even.

With enough time to think of responses to comments, and posts, you may even be called witty, engaging, charming.

Your usual tongue-tied, quiet or serious persona disappears once the computer screen lights up.

You start to put up pictures, re-connect with long-lost friends (even nursery school ones – c’mon!)

And, Lo and behold, people start commenting on your pictures!

‘Cute pic’

‘You look hot’

‘Nice shirt’

Cute?Hot??Sexy??? You????

Cyber-you is smug in response to these compliments. Did I mention Cyber-you is egotistical and narcissistic? No? Oh, just take a look at the many self-shots in Cyber-you’s profile pics.

Buoyed by the encouragement and lavish praise from Slutty-loners, Cyber-you thrives.

Meanwhile, you and your significant other are doing well. The relationship is flourishing. Your partner notices you are not clingy anymore. You don’t seem to need constant affirmation and attention. You seem more confident. This is attractive to your partner, and she sees it as a sign of your relationship deepening and maturing.

Little does she know…

In fact, one of the members of the slutty loners club is actually kinda hot…

Her comments get more frequent.

She puts up a few racy pics.

Sends you a couple of steamy but PG rated messages. Testing the waters..

‘Thinking of you…’

‘Wish you were here…’

And that’s how it starts.

Innocent flirtation…or so it seems.

Never cheat if your husband can fly woman!

Take another look. Are you cyber cheating?

OCAMPO List – Kenyan Six Have Been Named

The 6 people on Ocampo’s list have been named. In no particular order:

1. Francis Muthaura

2. William Ruto

3. Henry Kosgey

4. Hussein Ali

5. Uhuru Kenyatta

6. Joshua Arap Sang

Cue song: *Haiyaaa Makanju*

Too funny

 

Things are THIIIIICK!

He he!

May they effectively and swiftly be brought to justice.

The smell of blood is in the air. The flurry and frenzy Kenyans have worked themselves up waiting for this list is unbelievable. Twitter is on fire y’all.

From those breathing a sigh of relief that they were not named, to those trying to figure out escape plans – SIKU ZA MWIZI NI AROBAINI!

Who you gonna call?

Thoughts?

 

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